Purity's mad goose . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex

Inner Hamlet

CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

Excuse me waiving my usual style of address pet, but I am feeling somewhat out of sorts.  And I think it may have something to do with the sudden plethora of suitors competing for my attentions!  I spent most of last week engaged in a most riveting - and prolific - correspondence with my new chum Eustace who hails, naturally, from a city located at the other end of the country.  By the end of last week, we had mutually decided that we had to meet and that this meeting was going to involve us both driving 200 miles to a centrally located rendezvous: the city of Middle Bit.  I was a little alarmed at this thought dear as I, myself, have not actually driven on a motorway for nearly a decade!  And there was also the slight issue of informing my other two suitors exactly what I was proposing to do.  Guthrie, when informed, maintained an imperturbable demeanour and kindly offered to take me on a few laps of the nearest motorway to show me how to do it. This was certainly good of him and it was most useful being re-acquainted with the latest truck speed limits and methods of overtaking anyone who had the temerity to be in the actual way.  'Concentrate' he said. 'Concentrate very hard.  All the way.'   However, I also had to inform my newest chum, one Maxwell from just around the corner, who had invited me round to help him assemble his new refracting telescope.  (Satellite tracking, as you know pet, is a subject with which I am well acquainted.)  Imagine my mortification then, when said Maxwell's disappointment - upon hearing that I would not be available on the agreed day - seemed solely due to his need for someone to tap in the baseline settings for his new device! 
I must say that I was in a state of some high anxiety as the Banger 0.9L and I motored down the ramp to Junction 5.  In fact, the Banger was probably in the throes of a nasty wake up call, never having been required to drive more than 20 miles at one time for the past three years.  It was, of course, raining and the juggernauts ahead - the ones with multiple sets of very wide tyres - seemed obscured in massive clouds of spray and were a daunting sight.  They were a particularly daunting sight when one vehicle tried to overtake another at a speed only slightly exceeding its comrade in the innermost lane.  I hung back pet; it seemed a petrifying prospect to attempt to motor past in the outside lane.  However, given the time it took to accomplish the manoeuvre ahead, I believe I was in error.  One skilled gentleman, in the Lotus ahead, did just motor through the spray - disappearing, at one point, inside it and I do feel that his method, of simply dealing immediately with the problem was the correct one. So next time this happened pet, the Banger and I just purred past in exactly the same way.  Wonderful.  And, to think, I have been avoiding excitement of this nature for quite some years now.  I have been dead on the verge of Life!
Within four hours or so of non-stop driving (well I didn't dare to actually pet) I had arrived at our rendezvous: the Sopwith Hotel and was parking the Banger 0.9L adjacent to a large shrubbery in the car park.  I did detect a slight aroma of burning rubber emanating from under the bonnet, but possibly this is natural for a journey of such length?  I decided, in any event, not to investigate!  Now Eustace had requested that I array myself in a particularly fetching pair of red lacy stocking and cherry-coloured high heel boots and this took some minutes to accomplish in the Banger's less-than-ample back seat.  And Eustace himself - given my propensity for colours of a vivid hue - had promised to arrive in sparkly leggings and iridescent head gear! I could scarcely wait I can tell you!  The hotel staff, meanwhile, were most accommodating and I was soon ensconced in a comfy seat awaiting coffee.  I think they may have wondered a little at my constant pacing of the hallway in the lacy red stockings, but there was a very weak telephone signal in this premises and I couldn't communicate with Eustace!  Eventually, I did relate all to several members of hotel staff and we were soon arranged up against the windows, noses pressed against the glass, in the wait for Eustace to motor up in the Spandex get up!
Eventually - for I was one or two hours early dear - the unsuspecting Eustace flashed past the glass.  And he was not a disappointment dear; in fact we were all agog as this sparkly apparition mounted the hotel steps.  The staff, however, were professional enough to feign disinterest and I don't think Eustace noticed as they busied themselves with floor polishing and hoovering activities!  Well.   Eustace and I woofled down some Earl Grey tea and croissants and engaged in some actual dialogue regarding what we were going to do next.  Eventually, we decided to motor off on a visit to the closely located 'Doughnut World' who promised to offer "unlimited doughnuts".  Just fancy that pet!  After one or two detours and enquiries regarding the way to these premises, we finally arrived. I don't know if you have ever been to this emporium dear?  It has at least 18 car parks and all the metal railings are painted luminescent fuschia pink!  It was very hard to find a parking place since the whole of Middle Bit seemed to have fetched up there for the day and Eustace and I found ourselves demurring somewhat.  Eustace was particularly demurring at the price of entry:£25.00 each!  I myself did not think this a material objection; after all, a lady is not expected to pay when she is on an outing with a gentleman.  However, examining the set of Eustace's jaw, it did seem prudent to suggest a (free) ride on the wiggly purple snake instead.  And this is what we did dear - each munching on an unlimited quantity of doughnuts as we sped through the spray coating the interior of this slide.
As for what eventually happened, well I think we were both somewhat dismayed by each other's accounts of deranged former lovers.  Indeed, we were both obviously hoping that this cast of crystal-wielding, cockroach-resembling, personnel had not followed us in our respectives travels up and down the motorway.  And one must look on the bright side dear: at least I must have blasted several years of Coke out of the Banger's rear end in my peregrinations from one end of our green land to the other.
Your loving Auntie
Agatha  

A lady of refinement (part two) . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex

Inner Hamlet

CORSETTSHIRE QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph

Well the afternoon wore on . . . and - having off-loaded the 'exercise the beagles' session on to Alfie - I realized that I would have to patrol the exterior of the premises with Sebastian's own two animals plus, inevitably, my electrical 'zapper' gun.  (One must take one's duties seriously at all times, mustn't one pet?)  It was, of course, pouring down with the type of rainfall that looked like it might last for some days.  I did go to see if Sebastian had any umbrellas in the umbrella rack but, naturally, he was only equipped with those vast, fluorescent-red, stripy ones used, I believe, in the practice of that game involving long, clubbed, sticks and bunkers. And how can one possibly survey the surrounds for interlopers while enveloped - glowingly - in such an item?  I decided in the end to attire myself in one of Sebastian's own svelte green hunting jackets and, having attached a lead to Gelert - who can shoot of like the proverbial greyhound at the slightest visual temptation - materialized at the outer portals. It is certainly most delightful walking around the specimen trees on a country estate at the weekend pet.  I did wish I had thought to attire myself in gumboots of some description, but the swimming pool (heated of course; Sebastian does not favour a morning dip of an actually icy nature) is fortunately located in the vicinity of said portals and one can swish off excess soil from the grounds in there.  The dogs had a marvellous romp anyway, although it is always of slight concern when they vanish into the shrubberies for an extended period of time.  Suppose they fell into some kind of hidden pit or other?  And it would be just my luck for this to happen!  Sebastian is rather given to getting out the magnifying lenses on his return from any outing!

The other thing is that, during the course of our peregrinations round the estate, Gelert and Tugger had come to hold quite some litres of rainfall in their coats.  Before I could think about it, they had pelted up the short flight of stairs into the downstairs hall and I was just in time to see Tugger, in particular, shake himself and a huge spray of water and mud rise up in the air and on to the nearest sculptures!  I didn't dare go into the (locked) cellar to fetch the dog towels in case it set off a wave of howling sirens so, hissing 'Sit!' at both animals, I dashed off to the nearby toilet and kitchen to fetch such tea towels as I could find.  They were so fluffy dear and had such attractive designs of famous English generals on them!  What they looked like after a vigorous rubbing down of Gelert and Tugger, I will leave it to you to imagine.
I spent the rest of the afternoon - exhausted from my efforts on a variety of fronts - slumped in the dog basket with the dogs and awaiting Sebastian's return.  We had such a fine view of the bannisters from the basket!  Thorough as ever, Sebastian inspected the dogs for their degree of wetness and enquired if I'd thought of drying them off . . . I said that, indeed, I had thought of it (if a little too late) and had availed myself of items found in the toilet and kitchen.  And, fortunately, even Sebastian didn't think - then - of inspecting the sculptures under his magnifying lenses. However, he may yet be on the telephone making one or two enquiries of me on this subject!
How are you getting along pet?  Did you take my advice regarding attendance at that 'Wean yourself off Ativan' session that we discussed at our rendezvous last week?  I know you have to pay what sounds like an extortionate sum, but surely we can rustle up some synthetic bank notes from somewhere?
Yours
Aunt Agatha

A lady of refinement (part one) . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex

Inner Hamlet

CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph

I had an exciting day yesterday pet!  Sebastian Seale MP summoned me to over and mount guard over his collection of modern sculptures - in addition to walking his hounds around the estate - and so I motored over the drawbridge promptly at 12md in the Banger 0.9L.  Sebastian was, as usual, most thorough in his instructions regarding this and that burglar alarm and what to do in the event of a truck load of burglar arriving to batter down the front door -and I duly made note of several door codes and phone numbers to call in the event of such emergency.  Sebastian himself was rather nattily decked out in a navy blu, pin-striped, suit preparatory to attendance at this auntie's wedding anniversary over at Mouldering Mansion, albeit moaning at length at having to go at all.  Eventually, however, I waved him off and heard the heavy oaken door thump behind him.  Mopping some slight perspiration from my brow, I nipped into the kitchen for a soothing cup of Earl Grey tea and extricated my heavily-folded pieces of early music from my bag, preparatory to having a go on Sebastian's rosewood Viola.  (I don't know why he makes such a fuss about my using this and wants me to sit in a freezing, distant, outhouse watching the TV all afternoon).  A lady of refinement such as myself needs a bit of fun, and in the absence of that, at least the opportunity to partake of a degree of culture!  Perhaps he thinks I might leave traces of cakey fngerprints on the grain?  Anyway, having thrown one or two packets of Choc 'n Nut biscuits into the mouths of Gelert and Tugger, off I set towards the instrument to play (or try to) one or two elementary pieces by famous classical composers.  You know dear, it is disconcerting when dogs will persist in dribbling all over one's shoes - and scraping their horny claws upon one's clothing - when one is trying to apply oneself to artistic endeavours of one kind or another.  And I am not altogether sure that I hit quite the right notes during my rendition of these pieces (fingers only lightly brushing the strings just in case anyone should be in the vicinity of the windows)!  It was during this scrum with the dogs and the Viola bow that the telephone rang. I did wonder whether or not to answer it but, in the end, decided to do so in case it was Sebastian with some further instruction or even - horror - on his way back in the event of having decided not to go at all.  So I picked up the phone and and announced in my most suitable telephone voice, 'Steamy Towers, Agatha speaking' and found myself speaking to Alfie the caretaker.  'Has he gorn yet? enquired Alfie in a conspiratorial whisper.  'Well I don't know dear,' I replied.  'He has most certainly closed the front door behind him!'  The upshot of all this was that Alfie wanted to invite me out on a trip to the local bowling alley.  Well I couldn't think of any reasonable objection to this idea, and we have agreed to meet there at 8pm next Wednesday.  However, I am not altogether sure I am doing the right thing in this matter.  What do you advise pet?

Anyway, the afternoon wore on . . .

TO BE CONTINUED

Toxin-stuffed crab cakes . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex

Inner Hamlet

CORSETTSHIRE QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph

Thank you for sending me a photo of your recent artistic endeavours pet.  However, I am not altogether sure what to make of said portrait of a headless wax doll, which seems to have been subjected to the influence of a flame thrower.  I know you keep telling me that such works are of no misogynistic consequence (and are the product of a Surrealist influence) but, nevertheless dear, I would keep very quiet about this interest in any dealings you might have with members of the Establishment.  Not, I know, that either of us know any such personnel, except when they impinge upon the extreme fringes of our lives.

Pom-Pom's computer does, unfortunately, seem to have blown up this week and I do feel a mite guilty.  During the course of my researches on the poisoning of that east European dissident who has featured so prominently in the media recently, I did have occasion to consult some 'alternative' web sites which may, or may not, have been secure from the virus/trojan horse/worm point of view.  When we got that nasty, and non-removable, image of a foreign scimitar up on the screen, I'm afraid I did dissemble somewhat and made no mention of sites selling toxin-stuffed crab cakes.  (Pom-Pom can get so easily aggravated at his age!)  Anyway, it is unfortunately the case that it is not possible to 'rescue' the computer owing to permanently corrupted boot-up files on the hard drive.  This is a mite depressing pet.  One of Pom-Pom's nephews has been along to collect the dead device, with a view to - eventually - installing a new hard drive.  Heavens only knows when this will now happen and, in the mean-time, Pom-Pom has sunk into a deep furrow of despair and not even the mention of chocolate has been able to rekindle the light in his eye.  I, myself, have had to resort to using my new machine - and to actually copying files and printing them out: totally unaided!
Today's only highlight has been a visit to Bright Litton on the bus.  I made my way to the Bowl (located, as you will recall - during our last rendezvous - on the banks of the river) for today's talk on the culture and geography of Laos, and found myself at the threshold of a huge, darkened, auditorium with synthetic green leaves blowing about in an overhead net.  It was a positive joy (and a great change from the setting here at Perfect) to find myself surrounded by intelligent-looking people.  That vague feeling that I am constantly surrounded by individuals bearing a distinct facial resemblance to weasels - totally disappeared (if only momentarily).  I found a very nice lady at the membership desk, who kindly invited me to join the club, and handed me an events sheet.  And now the world is my oyster pet!  I really can't make up my mind whether to embark upon 'Haute Couture for the Older Lady' or 'Pictorial Methods for Entrapping a Soul Mate.'  What do you think dear?
Yours
Aunt Agatha

Secret Service: EPISODE 45

Perfect Retirement Housing Comlex

Inner Hamlet

CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph

I hope you are in tolerably good spirits today pet?  I do sometimes wonder how you are faring and if you have fallen into some Black Hole or other.  These are frequently littering the landscape here at Perfect; indeed, I am frequently at the bottom of one myself.  Perhaps my tactic of hitting the bottle is as damaging, in its way, as yours of consuming large piles of Ativan.  Still.  I am looking forward to seeing you on Saturday, although I wonder if you realize that the 'alternative cafe' we are proposing to visit is shut at the hour you mention for our rendezvous?
I have spent the day staring up at the canopy of a multiplicity of trees on my college course.  Today was tree climbing practice and I must admit pet, that I hadn't actually realized that one has to prussik one's way up to the lowermost branch, whilst seated in the type of harness one generally sees upon a shire horse.  And, before one even reaches this stage, it is apparently necessary to lasso said tree using the 'handbag' type of knot while standing at the foot of it.  I have never had much of an aptitude for bowling cricket balls and it is the overarm style of throw which is used here.  If I have ever thought at all about how a tree surgeon mounts the tree, I suppose I assumed it was by means of a ladder.  Anyway dear, I was awful at prussiking up the treee, owing to a distinct lack of ability in the pelvic thrust department (well it is quite some years since I have had to use this particular set of muscles, as you know).  I still can't really see how one instigates a pelvic thrust while suspended in the air with one's feet just about brushing the trunk of the tree.  I did get on slightly better with my thigh muscles initially clamped around the tree, but didn't succeed in getting much more than a metre above the woodland floor.  Never mind pet.  I'm not sure that this activity is especially suited to one, such as myself, who is of an especially poetic disposition.  And, also, I have absolutely ravaged my summer tights on the bark!
Another slight worry is the panic attack I had on sighting Fiona approaching the cafeteria doors just as I had exited the toilets and was about to depart via the same set of doors.  After our recent imbroglio (described, I think, at rather boring length to you over the telephone one evening) I have not been anxious to bump into her.  Of course, my reflexes - developed by many years of secreting myself in 'dead letter boxes' - leaped into action today, and I immediately did entirely the wrong thing, which was to spin on my heels and re-enter the toilets!  I managed to restrain myself from climbing on to the actual toilet lid and, after several nerve-racking moments, I decided to flush the toilet and leave for the second time!  Thankfully, Fiona was no longer in sight.  I hope she didn't see me through the double glass doors pet, as my actions may have looked rather peculiar to anyone happening to glance my way at the time.
Well I am looking forward to seeing you dear - if we can find an open premises to meet up in and neither of us is too mentally diminished by our respective imbibitions of alcohol and sedative medication!
Yours
Aunt Agatha

Death-related hardware . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex

Inner Hamlet

CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph

Valpolicella hangover has struck pet.  And also I fear I engaged in one of those 'Giant British Quizzes' in the early hours of this morning.  They had displayed an overlapping pile of UK bank notes and you had to calculate the amount of money, in sterling, that was there.  There was a slight snag in that you had to time your call to coincide with the barking of a dog - pictured mostly yawning in its basket in the bottom left hand corner of the screen - in addition to paying 75p for the call, but this was outweighed by the delightful  sight of money piled up on the screen and the tempting prospect of winning £25,000!  At last a chance to win back my inheritance!  Fortunately, I only succumbed to phoning once and wasn't put through, but it was amazing how many types were phoning up with a completely ridiculous answer!  I did wonder, dear, what exactly they were all seeing displayed on their own TV sets, to give an answer so wildly related to the funds on view.
This morning, given the sight of a most delightful slice of blue sky, I thought I catch a bus to Outer Hamlet and then take a little stroll along the canal.  I normally orientate myself in relation to a large Lime tree just left of the path, and did initially wonder if I was suffering from an alcohol-induced delusion when it didn't seem to be there.  However, somebody has obviously been along and chopped it down.  I can say this with some confidence as I eventually located a 4m high stump and branch debris scattered in a 10m radius around said tree.  Naturally, as I am presently engaged on a Tree course, I ambled up to sniff the timber (diffuse porous I think pet) and to ascertain the presence, or not, of any wood-decaying fungi.  But, on the face of it, the tree seemed to be in very good health!
I have also been down to Economy Fare to post one of Pom-Pom's parcels.  I don't know if I have been watching too many TV programmes of an untoward nature, but it did seem to be that I had inadvertently parked the Banger 0.9L next to a car containing a number of assassins from the Chinese mafia.  They seemed to be lying in wait for someone dear, although I noticed that death-related hardware was not in view.  You can never tell, nowadays, when someone is going to offer you a fish stuffed full of Radium can you?  And with all my years as an operative, I still wonder if I am on anyone's hit list!
Yours
Aunt Agatha



Inmate consultation meeting . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex

Inner Hamlet

CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph

What a game it is with my new computer pet!  God only knows how the average person is supposed to cope with the zillions of possibilities overwhelming one on the screen.  I feel positively enervated by my experience of writing less than five lines now!  And I hardly dare touch the keyboard for fear of what will go wrong next.

Another notice appeared in the lift here at Perfect this week.  This time, reference was made to persons unknown who have been tipping large household items into the refuse hoppers for collection: hoovers, TV sets and such-like.  It is possible that I may have discarded my old computer monitor in there recently, but I scuttled along after dark and I don't think anyone saw me!  And my personal view is that - if we had more facilities for recycling items such as textiles, cans and plastic - the hoppers would not be bulging at the time of our once weekly collection.  There is an inmate consultation meeting next week, but I must admit to feeling a certain amount of strain at the thought of mentioning this issue to Our Leader prior to the event.  In fact, I think I will luckily be off the premises, doing something else, on that particular day!  Do you know dear, I think I may need to buy some sunglasses to cope with the glare coming off this screen.

A more interesting notice, featuring recently on the notice board, made mention of some scamster or other who has been demonstrating 'vibrating electrical devices' to inmates immured in sheltered housing schemes.  This sounds most exciting pet; I can't think where I was the day he came here!   Of course, I myself am engaged in equally enthralling dalliances out at the 'Black Boot' whenever the opportunity arises.

I think I am going to have to sign off here, as I am starting to feel like I am sitting at the controls of a computerized supersonic jet, with the pilot dead at my feet, and needing to land safely on the runway, at night, and in the fog! 

Yours

Aunt Agatha

P.S.  Having now consumed one or two glasses of Valpolicella, things are looking more rosy in every sense of the word.  Pom-Pom is snoring on his black leather seat and so I have been able to avail myself of the World Wide Web, with the aim of communicating with a similarly retired operative.  No-one has so far replied, but I live in hope pet!  At this time, I can hear the dulcet tones of Sticky Beak fluting from the exterior and I may just sneak up to the eye hole in the front door to see if I can uncover further snippets from the arena.