Disposing of their remains . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex

Inner Hamlet

CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph

I don't know dear.  I have just returned from a session of root canal treatment down at the Inner Hamlet NHS dental surgery, and am in reflective mood.  After my last two perfectly ghastly experiences on these premises, I lay myself down on the seat with the air of one lamb to the slaughter.  'I am petrified,' I announced to the dental practitioner with an air of pathos.  And he replied, 'So am I . . .'  While this remark was not terribly cheering under the circumstances pet, we did smile at one another - and there are times in life when one has to surrender oneself into the hands of another.  I have often thought, in my long career as an NHS patient, that some of the most intimate moments of one's life are spent with the hands of a dental practitioner inside one's mouth.  It's almost like both people are sharing the same potentially harrowing experience unto its conclusion - and achieve a kind of congress of the souls as a result.  I know it is most unlike me, pet, to be telling you all this, but even I occasionally have a more thoughtful moment.
It was stressful dear.  However, when the needles were inserted - one by one - into the tooth's root canals, the pain was not (this time!) severe enough for me to physically grip the dental practitioner by the throat.  I tried to focus on the lights above, and on the radio playing, and on this man's forearm resting on my chest, and on his ribs pressing against my side - and to take even the soldering iron and the general smoke wafting about the nostrils in my stride!
Meanwhile, dear Guthrie has been regaling me with details of his gay stalker!  I must admit that I hadn't realized that the poor man has endured nearly five years of this lurking about - and actual stalking - style of behaviour.  It did sound most hilarious (to one luckily not involved) to hear anecdotes about sightings of the same
car, containing the same set of cronies, zipping from right to left - and then left to right - across multiple junctions and motorway intersections on Guthrie's (long) route into work.  And who would want to get home to a general blaze of headlights in the car park and a view of individuals loitering under street lamps?!  'Are you absolutely SURE they are not dealing in crack cocaine or some other substance?' I enquired, for God only knows what thoughts are passing through the urban headset nowadays.  I have, of course, volunteered to dispose of these individuals for my chum (for less than the usual rate of course) and have a particular plot in mind for depositing the remains!  You know the spot I think pet?  It is that one in Carpool's voluminous cemetery characterized by quite some quantity of Yew trees gloomily dripping upon the general rabbit warren of paths.
Yours
Aunt Agatha

Telescopic surveillance of the neighbourhood . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex

Inner Hamlet

CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph

I have unfortunately been trapped here at the Perfect Retirement Housing Complex for a whole week now, owing to the onset of Gout of the Big Toe.  My General Practitioner - who despite importunings down the telephone - declined to materialize in person (fear of being pounced on by Our Leader bearing an additional list of the afflicted no doubt) actually had the temerity to intimate that I might be imbibing excess quantities of London's finest!  And who wouldn't pet, immured behind concrete walls, and lacking the space to carry out even a minor project such as telescopic surveillance of the neighbourhood!
I did, however, call round to see Mr and Mrs Brownie where I lapped up further snippets from the arena.  One update related to the status of our new member of staff.  Said individual - a nice enough girl as far as I can see - apparently hoves from the local streets and has life-long experience of hoovering!  I duly enquired as to whether the new employee would be Checked Out (given that she will be using the pass key to all our rooms) and, yes, this is in the throes of occurring.  I also asked what form her Induction Training would be taking.  Apparently this will be taking place 'on the job.'  Pom-Pom and I are not too happy with this pet - given the level of responsibility in dealing with the needs of vulnerable people - and the fact that new members of staff can fall all too easily into an established culture and any associated flaws.  For example, it is only too easy for members of staff to join in with the lounge gossip and generally air their views on absent inmates.  More and more dear, I do think that establishments such as Perfect should be employing trained professional staff with a nationally accredited qualification.  Our well-being is in their hands!
I hope your meal out with Miranda went well?  If you did decide to take your toothbrush, I hope it was in good repair?  First impressions are so important and splayed bristles and general pieces of gristle caught in the fibres, will not be well received!  Also, dear, you will remember to keep yourself safe from the dread diseases, won't you?  I was reading an article about Genital Warts the other day, and I must say that this does not sound like one of the most aesthetic of afflictions!
Yours
Aunt Agatha

Operations involving 'deep cover' . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex

Inner Hamlet

CORSETTSHIRE QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph
I am pleased to hear that you are walking everywhere nowadays pet - given the enquiry penned in my last missive!
Many thanks for all your news.  I hope things develop with Miranda who, if she was attending a 'Defend the Rainforest' cheese and wine session, must surely have her heart in the right place.  Don't be deterred by the age and quantity of her offspring, as I can assure you that you will soon become accustomed to wiping eggy detritus from their bibs and to scraping effluent from their nappies!  I hope said nappies are recyclable in Miranda's household pet? 
Meanwhile, the long-term fracture across my toilet seat has also been a trifle aggravating, catching - as it does - the flesh of my shapely thing in it, whenever I am attempting to use the apparatus.  I must say that, when I was an operative, there was always a useful minion to call upon for any manual tasks!  (Not, of course, when I was engaged in operations involving 'deep cover.'  I was then required to fix matters myself.)  Pom-Pom is unfortunately otherwise engaged when I am attending to these issues; he always seems to be watching Coronation Street or to have his head buried in Horseracing Weekly.  (Sometimes a background of constant chortling can get on one's wick!)
Anyway pet, I hope you will soon be happily ensconced in your new parenting role.  Remember to keep any intimate activities very quiet, as the kiddies will doubtless be applying an inverted glass to an adjacent bedroom wall!
Yours
Aunt Agatha


Our Secret Intelligence Service . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex

Inner Hamlet

CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph

I am not sure, dear, whether or not you are reading my epistles on the bus?  If you are, please can you make sure that no-one seated behind you is making use of a tie-fitted micro-surveillance camera?  Pom-Pom and I have noted, of late, one or two suspicious-looking sedans sloping around the car park here at Perfect: bullet silver in colour, fitted with darkened glass, and containing one or two dour-faced individuals clad in wrap-around sun shields.  Of course, I could immediately identify said vehicles as hailing from the pool of vehicles run by our Secret Intelligence Service (the regulation issue number plates commence with BJ482 and - so far this week -  this plate has cropped up no less than five times on five different automobiles)!  Has word of my memoirs leaked beyond these walls I wonder?

Pom-Pom and I had our noses resting on the window ledge of Pom-Pom's domain for quite some time in order to observe any goings-on and, sure enough, Our Leader did eventually approach one vehicle with an enquiry regarding the identity of its occupants.  Sticky Beak later regaled us - through the keyhole - with the tale that they were touting for business for the Alternative Wallpaper Company!  In fact, later on in the same day, we saw several of our more intrepid inmates queuing to ask for actual advice!  We, ourselves, have decided to blend into the Perfect paintwork for quite some spell - and have astounded the Management with our unwonted zeal for Bingo and an unprecedented desire to be Jumble Sale monitors . . .

Yours

Aunt Agatha

P.S.  Of course, in my day, we only had recourse to the Micro Dot style of surveillance device.  And what a pest it was trying to safely secrete said 'dot' into a boucle button on one's jacket!

 

Secret Service: EPISODE 30

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex

Inner Hamlet

CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

Hello Pet
I am feeling a trifle downcast this morning and I don't think it has anything to do with the weather - which is generally wet in all directions.  I met up with William from Raptor-on-the-Lake at the hot chocolate shop in Bright Litton yesterday evening, prior to viewing the film we had jointly agreed upon.  He is a nice enough chap dear, but I do not feel the sort of Zing I would expect to feel under the circumstances.  Anyway, we trotted off to see this film - which was particularly dreadful I thought - and I did suggest to William afterwards that perhaps we should demand a refund!  However, there was one mitigating feature and that was the Ministry of Information (1949) black-and-white 'short' which was shown prior to the film itself.  Have you ever heard of these pet?  Well, they were showing 'THE HANDKERCHIEF DRILL' (not, as you might think, anything to do with 'brush past' manoeuvres) - and it was exceedingly funny.  The plot of this piece took the form of some poor woman trying to train her rather large spouse in the use of a cotton handkerchief whenever he sneezed - instead of blasting the common cold virus into the faces of all and sundry.  Apparently there is a whole series of such films and I am certainly keen to see the rest!  However, the main feature ended (at last) and off we went for our meal.  It was during this repast that I attempted to convey to William that perhaps boys and girls were too different in their attitudes and interests to be all that compatible from the standpoint of romance.  And William did rather confirm this view when he remarked that he was a 'typical guy and therefore a predator.'  I don't know dear.  I don't think I want to view myself as a prey animal for the course of an evening out on the town.  I do recall saying to William at this point that perhaps, in actual fact, I was a lesbian - but I don't believe I succeeded in being sufficiently off-putting!  However, he did drive me home and I felt that I should ask him in for a cup of tea prior to his returning to Little Gollington.  The 'cup of tea' was not, luckily, as you described pet!  I had my wits (not to mention my secret skills) about me, as you can imagine, and this was helped by the lack of comfortable facilities in the form of a sofa.  In short,  despite a distinct feeling in the atmosphere that a closer physical intimacy was a mere hair's breadth away, I did manage to usher him out after not-too-many minutes - with my clothing still well-buttoned and upon me.
Your loving
Auntie

A famous operative like myself . . .

The Perfect Retirement Housing Complex

Inner Hamlet

CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

 My Dear Ralph

Upon my return this morning, Pom-Pom announced that he is about to commence upon his own memoirs.  'But sweetie,' I remonstrated, 'How will you sell it?'  It is not as if you were a famous operative like myself.'  However, it seemed wisest to desist from further repartee as Pom-Pom was hovering about the computer plug-in-point with his eye on the socket.  He also mentioned requiring the services of a typist, as he will be dictating his memoirs into a micro-cassette recorder.  I don't know pet.  I am not sure I can type two sets of memoirs; I am feeling a certain amount of strain doing one.  However, I did mention you pet!  I said that I knew for a fact that you were loitering about your settee with nothing much to do and might be eager to accept the commission.  You haven't taken up glue-sniffing or anything like that, have you dear?  You have gone very quiet again and I fear it is either that - or you are concerned that your own activities might feature in my memoirs?  You can tell me anything dear; you know that, don't you?

I have, this afternoon, consulted details of several wig retailers on the World Wide Web, but I am not at all sure I would suit the Pixie crew cut in honey blonde?  Give me your honest opinion dear and, if you can, send over some funds as said wigs are up to £400.  I am not sure if even  William from Raptor-on-the-Lake is worth such an outlay.  I will have to hope that my hair will have lengthened by a fraction of a centimeter by the time we meet up, or else tell him I had it all removed as part of a local sponsorship event!

Oh dear.  Pom-Pom has just spent the past several hours making detailed notes about his parentage on a large pad of paper.  I didn't know that there was such a place as the Salvation Army Birth Hostel in Bright Litton in the 1900's.  Did you dear?  Pom-Pom originally hails from your neck of the woods; in fact he has murmured one or two sentences about coming to stay with you for the forseeable future to do his researches.  He would bring his own stairlift and I think he commode could be neatly parked all day in your front room.  Is Saturday at 9am convenient?

Yours

Aunt Agatha  

Scalp bristles scraping across the pillowcase . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex

Inner Hamlet

CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph

I haven't had a very good night pet.  What with one's scalp bristles scraping across the pillow case and the frequent need to make sure that the Banger 0.9L hadn't been pinched from the car park, I got barely a wink of sleep.  Finally, at 3am, I decided to phone the Samaritans.  The lady who answered seemed very nice but, what I couldn't understand dear, was that she wanted me to do all the talking!  This is not very helpful when what one needs is anecdotes from somebody else's personal repertoire to take one's mind off the situation.  I think it was just after we had established that I wasn't about to suspend myself from the curtain rail with my dressing gown cord, that I decided that it was the lady's turn to talk.  Well pet, we sat there and sat there - breathing - for about 15 minutes before she finally said, 'Are you still there?'  I replied in the affirmative and then we returned to breathing.  It was really quite lucky dear that she decided upon a more human approach - which is to speak - otherwise we could both have been sat there until dawn's early light!  Actually, once we broke through the ice, we were soon chattering on subjects of mutual interest.  Did you know that the bedding Begonia has quite a high tolerance for heavy shade pet?
Meanwhile, I have had a further communique from William of Raptor-on-the-Lake.  He has suggested that we meet up in Bright Litton one evening to 'see a movie and have a meal.'  Oh dear.  I don't know whether I am becoming over-ruralized pet, but I would really prefer to spend the day wandering around a local tree nursery.  I was also rather stung by his reaction to my remark that I would be coming to Bright Litton on the bus.  'What?' he said, 'But we both have cars; surely we can find a spot.'  I felt somewhat dejected upon receipt of this remark because, although I didn't like to say so, I have never driven into Bright Litton and prefer to do my 'park and ride' from ten or so miles outside the city!  Now what pet?  There is also the further problem of my ongoing cash flow problem and I think I may well have to break into my piggy bank and stagger along laden with one or two tons of small change in my pockets.
Romance is never easy dear.  Take it from one who knows!
Yours
Aunt Agatha