Monday, 30 April 2012

Secret Service: EPISODE 5

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet

My Dear Ralph

My apologies for not writing sooner, but things have been surreal here at the Perfect Retirement Housing Complex.
I foolishly accepted a gift (on the face of it) of two cans of pink salmon from the new inmate two doors down the hall.  This Cat Woman pressed them on me whilst I was perambulating down the corridor towards Pom-Pom's domain a couple of weeks ago and it was difficult to refuse them without appearing a churl.  It is now two weeks later and the aforesaid inmate appeared last night, at my door, wanting to sell me a large metal cat comb for £1.00.  I said that I was not in need of such an item, at which point she announced that, in that case, she would accept a donation of £1.00 for the cans of salmon . . . Well, I was nonplusssed and not a little annoyed over this and refused outright to part with any funds - even if they were ostensibly heading for her favourite charity, the RNLI.  I pointed out that one generally chooses of one's own free will to make a charitable donation and that cash is not supposed to be demanded with menaces at one's own front door.  She has since snarled, on our way past each other in the corridor, that she knows who she won't be thinking of at Xmas, owing to the limits of their Christian charity.  I think that must be me pet!
Meanwhile, I have embarked upon a 'Tree Recognition' course down at the local college.  My dear, the type of person one encounters on these courses!  My fellow members largely appear to be kitted out in Doc Martin boots and many have large, brown, gnarled-looking hands.  I am not at all sure I am going to fit in, especially with my glossy plum nail extensions and lack of enthusiasm for the shaved head sort of hair style.  The weather is horribly wet and one seems to have to tramp for miles around the premises with personages one would generally cross continents in an effort to avoid!  Would it be possible to acquire a pair of green wellies for me dear?
Pom-Pom and I have been looking into the subject of Movement Detector Sensors since you kindly told me that such items might be found in the Cosmos catalogue.  You are quite right dear, and we intend to leap into action on this front and purchase one each at the weekend.  Hopefully, we will soon remember to turn these devices off upon our return from sundry outings and will not be blasting 650dB of sound waves down the corridor from our sirens.  One must be discreet at all times!
How are you getting along pet?  When we last spoke, you said you were heading for Odessa!
Aunt Agatha

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