Thursday 28 June 2012

Your reference to the 'furry cup' . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet
CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph
Thank you for your phone call last week pet; it was lovely to hear your resonant tones vibrating down the phone line, although I didn't quite catch your reference to the 'furry cup.'  What did you mean by that again dear?  I'm sorry I have been incommunicado for the past few days, but I have had one or two attacks (not drink-related) and what with those, and a spot of bother with the after-effects of Clear Out, I haven't felt like putting pen to paper.
Subsequent to one or two nights spent spying out of the window to ascertain the status of the Banger 0.9L out in the car park, an 'Important Notice' appeared both on the notice board and inside the lift, here at Perfect.  Reference was made to some inmate or other who was apparently thumping about and deliberately slamming the fire doors in the early hours.  I think said notice may have been referring to me pet!  Indeed, I mentioned this issue to Gertie, who is resident opposite to Yours Truly, and she did look somewhat hangdog - making the excuse that she had reported the roaming resident issue to Our Leader down the blower the other morning.  Apparently, she had thought that Dip Stick had been maliciously slamming fire doors at 2am, in revenge for sundry remarks about her new garden ware stationed outside on the patio.  I put her right, of course, plaintively remarking, 'But Gertie, it was me' - but it was too late by then and, of course, these notices about slamming doors have been up for nearly a week now!
Pom-Pom and I have meanwhile been remarking on the activities of Malcolm, son-in-law to Sock-it-to-Em, next door.  I happened to chance along the hall just as a large, sagging, item encased in opaque polythene was entering this residence.  'Oh,' I said, 'Is your mother-in-law deceased?'  Really pet, it was rather a foolish thing to say as 'the body' was in the process of being transported into, and not out of, the room!  However, Malcolm took my remarks in good part and told me that they'd decided to replace the carpet - and the bed - as his mother-in-law was having one or two long-term problems with her bladder.  I get the impression that the poor man is desperate dear.  He mentioned a large Telecom bill apparently run up by Sock-it-to-Em in the course of phoning sundry chat lines and also that he was planning to chain her TV remote control to her throat, should she mislay it one more time!  He is also having to care for his wife, Mary, who appears to be in the latter stages of Motor Neurone Disease.  Apparently poor Mary fell over while they were trying to extract the wardrobe from the room - in order to instal the carpet - and Malcolm was unable to come to her aid because, of course, the wardrobe was blocking the way.  Even worse, I think he might be interested in me dear, simply as a means of escaping the trials of the above-described set-up!
Relations with Our Leader, meanwhile, seem rather improved and I have just encountered him in the laundry.  Apparently, he and his new girlfriend have taken up bicycle riding!  Resisting the urge to let my lower jaw sag (never having seen Our Leader  perambulate even as far as the local shop)  I congratulated him on his new-found pursuit and assured him that I thought it would do him good.  And it will pet!  As he says, the exercise is excellent for stress relief and I have taken to horticulture for precisely the same reason.
Yours
Aunt Agatha 

Monday 25 June 2012

Assault course at Nether Hoppit . . .

Perfect Retirement Housng Complex
Inner Hamlet
CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph
A rather sodden day has dawned here at the Perfect Retirement Housing Complex pet.  Thus far, I have only peeked out of the front windows to ascertain the status of the Banger 0.9L, and it is in its place, bonnet shining beneath a fine patina of night-time rain.
Yesterday's Tree course was, I must say, characterized by the advent of two singularly unprepared, and not all-that-knowledgeable, teaching staff.  The phrase 'cowboy operation' comes unhesitatingly to mind.  We were informed, upon arrival, that we were required to trek to the campus outskirts to perform a woodland survey.  I do rather feel that it would have helped to have been given the dimensions of this plot before we set out and also some basic instructions on a procedure to follow once we got there - because one can otherwise tend to lope about, on the loose, in the total absence of such requisites.  But what really made me cross dear, was that we were despatched down the sides of what appeared to be a ravine, without so much as a body count being done or any sightings of a first aid box.  There were innumerable trip hazards to be negotiated on our descent and, at the bottom, a cold and fast-flowing rural river.  I'm afraid I rapidly lost sight of the rest of our party during the course of stumbling over any number of rotting logs and, in the absence of any kind of information regarding the time of our re-ascent, had to be summoned by what seemed to be a 'View Halloo' echoing in the distance!  It is lucky I am not deaf pet!  Anything could have happened and I am not absolutely sure that - had I been sucked into a woodland bog and totally vanished from the scene - the 'leaders' of the expedition would even have noticed!
Luckily, the weekend was characterized by activities of a slightly more controlled nature.  Invited out for a drive by the diminutive - and yet muscular - Pumpkin (discovered some weeks ago, sweeping the steps at the local museum)
we found ourselves jaunting past the Assault Course out at Nether Hoppit.  Unravelling ourselves from Pumpkin's miniature motor, we sallied forth to investigate the equipment on display - which was FREE to the actual public, en passant in their conveyances, to leap on!  Well it took us less than a mini-second, eyeballs somewhat extended on stalks, to decide that we couldn't skip this opportunity to try out the timber-framed-and-blue-netted Climbing frame, the Aerial Runway and the Tunnel!  You know pet, I had no idea such challenging pursuits were on offer at rural outposts.  The wooden ladders and blue netting rippled skywards to quite some height I can tell you, and I was a little unnerved when I snagged one high heel in a loop.  And even more unnerved when I detected Pumpkin snapping away on his camera - directly beneath Yours Truly.  I think I was attired in my blue lace knicker set that morning dear and God only knows how this lingerie will be displayed on-screen - and worse - on Headbook if Pumpkin gets his way!
The Aerial Runway was huge fun however, and it was with quite some whoops of pleasure that we sailed  back and forth across the valley and above the pine trees.  If you like pet, we can visit this facility when you are next in the vicinity!
Yours
Aunt Agatha

Saturday 23 June 2012

Secret Service: EPISODE 40

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet
CORSETTSHIRE QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph
Pom-Pom and I have spent this morning watching the Outskirts Farm 'hencam' and it is most fascinating.  Indeed, the soundtrack of roosters crowing is playing in the background as I write!  If you are feeling stressed or in any way out of sorts pet, I can recommend a few hours viewing of chickens' feathers blowing about in the breeze and sundry scratchings in the dirt.  It is almost like looking through a window into one's very own outside yard.  We were slightly concerned - upon turning on the 'hencam' at 8am this morning and viewing no chickens - that perhaps the birds had been despatched to an abattoir.  However, they did begin their stately walk down the ramp an hour or so later.  We think it might have been too windy for them and that they preferred to huddle in the hen house.  No sightings of a fox so far, but we will be viewing again this afternoon and will report any sign of creepings through the tussocks!
Bertram, who resides along the hall, seems to be in a bit of a standoff with the Management at present.  His wife was despatched at the crematorium some weeks ago, and it transpires that Bertram has been suffering from loneliness of a fairly intimate nature.  Owing to a severe case of bilateral deafness, in association with crippling arthritis, he has been unable to personally communicate his need for supplementary services down the telephone to the Inner Hamlet service provider.  Rumour has it that he then requested the Management to make the necessary phone calls for him - and they declined - informing Bertram that the procurement of supplementary services was outside of their professional brief!  At this point, Bertram - rather foolishly as it turned out - asked his neighbour, Ethel, if she would get on the blower for him.  I don't myself feel that Ethel was a very wise, or discreet, type of person to make this request from, as she is given to trumpeting snippets of a thrilling nature, all about the building.  And this is now Pom-Pom and I got to hear of it, the news blowing as it were, up and down the corridors.  I don't know pet.  If Bertram is compos mentis and able to communicate what are, after all, very natural wishes to the Management, then who are they not to pass the message on?  One does have to be humane dear and I personally have no objection to Bertram being in receipt of weekly visits from a lady done up in stilettos, Sheer Touch stockings and an ultra mini skirt.  I think Pom-Pom and I will have to phone the salon for him, incognito, at the earliest opportunity!  Some people are certainly veritable old miseries aren't they pet?
Yours
Aunt Agatha

Thursday 21 June 2012

Counter-tailing with Dinky toys . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet
CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph
I must say I feel somewhat in the Black Hole this morning pet, owing to a succession of somewhat unfortunate developments.  Firstly, I scratched the door of the Banger 0.9L against someone's stone wall yesterday afternoon, in an attempt to extricate myself from their steeply-sloped drive.  I hadn't intended to visit these individuals dear; I had mistaken their premises for the premises next door!  The actual purpose of my visit was to demonstrate the art of counter-tailing to a new Service trainee, and so it might not have been too advantageous turning up - a few moments after the wall incident - in  a somewhat scuffed conveyance myself!   Anyway, there I was, replete with Dinky toys and a grid map of Bright Litton - willing and able to embark upon an hour of tuition to the young man in question.  I don't know whether you are familiar with counter-tailing procedures yourself pet?  Generally, the target vehicle, X, is followed by three other vehicles: A, B and C.  And, as I said to the trainee, it is generally best if all these motors are of a comparatively nondescript description (minus roof racks) as one obviously does not wish to call attention to oneself, if it can be helped, during a period of spying on the driver in front!  A and B initially drive along behind X and C is pursuing - if possible - a parallel route.  I do feel, myself, that the theory behind all this works best in a city laid out in an actual grid plan, for Bright Litton (being comprised of any number of short cul-de-sacs and winding alleys) is not especially suited to having motor cars proceed, in parallel, for any length of time at a similar speed!  However.  This is as it may be.  One is issued with procedural documents and one must make the best of it.  Vehicles A and B take it in turns to drive off, left and right, behind the target, coming back just behind it, in an alternate manner.  Am I making myself clear dear?  All this is best explained, complete with actual toy cars, and preferably with the odd swig of Vodka and one or two doughnuts to hand!
And then, later on in the same day, I made the mistake of being pleasant to an extremely large gentleman on the bus and, in a fit of what was probably pity, gave him my phone number.   Since then, I have been in receipt of a number of telephone calls which have given me the impression that said individual may be suffering from bipolar disorder and general telephone mania.  Oh dear pet!  I think I may have to swaddle the telephone in a large bathroom towel and pull up the drawbridge somewhat!
Finally, on my way out of the building this morning, I encountered Dip Stick who informed me that the atmosphere amongst residents down in the lounge was distinctly 'vicious' and that her advice was to KEEP WELL CLEAR.  At least this problem has nothing to do with Yours Truly.  I did happen to observe from my window yesterday that this lady was in the process of installing a substantial quantity of new garden ware on to the patio.  With my nose pressed to the glass, I witnessed a large, white, plastic table; four plastic chairs; four large terracotta pots, and some sort of tiled ceramic bench being brought out through the patio doors, and I thought: 'This will upset them!'  And it has dear.  It certainly has!  In fact, I thought I heard Our Leader addressing the owner of said garden ware this morning, and requesting that the white plastic seating set, in particular, be removed from the premises at the earliest opportunity!
Once out of the building pet, I was confronted by the perennial problem of What to Do with Myself for the duration of the morning.  As the onset of drizzle ruled out the possibility of setting out the pansies over at Marilyn's, I presented myself for duty down at the Extinct Mammal Conservation Society.  Today I was given an enormous box of badges to attach to miniature leaflets although no tea was proffered - this may be understandable in light of one or two remarks I may have made about 'scum' last week.  However, I did have a very nice cool glass of water in a clear plastic cup and I must say that it was fascinating listening to the young people chatter on about their hobbies and pursuits of a generally riveting nature.  I myself have never collected photos of naked men with lamp shades covering their features, but I can see that one or two members of the society are very happily thus engaged at the weekend!
Yours
Aunt Agatha

Tuesday 19 June 2012

Radio-tagging of residents imminent . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet
CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph
I am not certain I can have got this right pet, but I do believe I observed a notice on the notice board yesterday, which read: 'RADIO-TAGGING OF RESIDENTS IMMINENT' and a shorter questionnaire, beneath, in which one was asked to state a preference for a wrist or ankle 'bracelet.'  I think we may be on the slippery slope dear!  Of course, the Management can get away with practically anything, owing to the elevated position of the notice board and the frequent recourse to very small print.  Many in here don't really seem to see the notice board at all, owing, I think, to being under the near-constant influence of alcohol.  (I believe I can say this with some certainty pet, because the industrial-sized recycling tub kep in the bin point is filled, almost daily, with empty spirits bottles.)  And so I can only think that there may be an element of truth in the notice concerning the radio-tagging of us all!  Intentionally - or unintentionally - a minority of individuals do keep wandering off and poor Dorothy is rumoured to have reached the outskirts of Winchbury-on-the-Hill on her mobility scooter the other week, in a failed bid to escape the premises, if only for the day!  Unfortunately dear, as you know, I do like to venture into the exterior myself - Winceyette nightie parcelled up very small in my handbag - and it will add a level of difficulty to any planned expedition, should my movements be followed by some kind of bleeping dot on the office monitoring equipment!  Perhaps dear Hilary will be able to fix me up with an alternative bracelet - emitting a stronger signal - which I will be able to keep in the china teapot in my room.  Do you think this could be possible pet?  I certainly hope no-one in authority has ever seen that TV programme called 'The Prisoner,' in which escaping inmates from some premises or other were pursued by large white bouncing balls!  It was shown in the 1960's dear and featured that well-known star of the time, Patrick McGoohan.
Today I succeeded in visiting Carpool, subsequent to an invitation by your uncle, Caspar, to visit the industrial museum there.  This is not a destination I myself would have choses dear, but I have been worried for some time about Caspar's consumption of sedative medication.  He routinely reports a milligram intake which I feel would anaesthetize an average-size rhinoceros and so I thought I'd better see him for myself!  Well he did look rather peaky, underneath his docker's cloth cap, worn especially I gather, with our particular destination in mind - and the whites of his eyes appeared distinctly pink.  But I can be diplomatic, as you know pet, and I mentioned none of this as we traipsed around transport exhibits dating from the previous century.  We did see a Carpool 403 type of car which had, apparently, been built using the Legoland style of construction, in 1954, and I was particularly interested in the fact that it altogether lacked door handles - an element of design which made it practically thief-proof at that time.  I certainly wondered how it would have fared in the car park here at Perfect!  I also took advantage of the museum's offer of a trip up a working dock crane and the ascent to the working platform - in an electric platform lift - was most elevating!  It was quite fascinating watching the gentleman operate the controls and lift a very large crate off of the dock at the end of the jib chain.  A number of individuals in our party took advantage of the opportunity to ascend - in a net - to the tip of the jib, in order to grease the jib bearings!  Men do relish this type of activity, I know, but the idea of dipping one's hand into a pot of grease at a height of 30m is unlikely to appeal to a lady wearing plum nail extensions and a rather short skirt!
I hope you are well pet and not getting up to mischief of any kind?  Sometimes I wonder if sundry unfortunate proclivities are running amok amongst the family!
Yours
Aunt Agatha

Sunday 17 June 2012

Extinct Mammal Conservation Society . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet
CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN
My Dear Ralph
I thought I'd rove off down to the Inner Hamlet lock gates this morning pet, and spend a restful few moments casting crusts of bread into the water for the ducks.  I was naturallly disconcerted when, within a few seconds of my arrival at said spot, I noticed an adult swan in obvious difficulties.  Why does no-one else ever turn up on the scene first in these cases dear?  Anyway, there was this bird flailing about in the canal, rolling over and over, whacking its wings on the water, twisting its neck about, and generally looking as if it had got trussed up in some sort of net.  Of course, not being one to yield to one's initial instincts and hasten off in the opposite direction, I obviously phoned Pom-Pom from the phone box stationed on the canal bank, and asked him to find out the number of Outer Hamlet bird reserve.  I also hurried off to Inner Hamlet's wildlife charity shop just down the road. This establishment was, of course, still shut at the rather late hour of 9.30am.  I rapped imperiously on the window dear, because I thought I spotted a rather large employee skulking in the shadows towards the rear, and then put on my best mimed pantomime performance of a person wishing to use a telephone.  Eventually, said individual did approach and open the door.  I immediately explained the problem and she said she would accompany me to the water's edge to study the afflicted bird.  Well we gazed - and we gazed - across the flotilla of swans (approximately 15 in number) and, do you know pet, no symptoms were displayed by any of them.  I felt like a bit of a parrot, I can tell you!  It was at this point that I became aware of a ringing sound emerging from the telephone box and the man from the Outer Hamlet bird reserve was at the end of the hand set.  What a relief!  I described the thrashing swan symptom set and he said, 'Oh, I know what that is.  Your swan has a case of the mute swan feather louse.'  Have you ever heard of this feather louse pet?
I then thought I'd call by and see my chums at the Extinct Mammal Conservation Society.  They were, as ever, delighted to see me (well I think they were pet) and I set to stuffing a few thousand envelopes and generally absorbing the heating and general bonhomie wafting about the premises.  There are one or two concerns, of course dear, about the quality of beverage on offer; I did demur slightly when Monty brought me a paper cup of tea with scum afloat on the top - but then I hail from an era when tea was made with teabags and poured from a pot!  Still, it's the thought that counts, don't you think?  I was also intrigued by Portia's speech extolling the virtues of the new infra-red sensor type of sanitary bin, which they currently have on order in substantial quantities.  Times certainly move on don't they dear?  I can remember a time when one routinely got all mucky pawing at plastic lids in darkened toilet closets.  And, before that, I don't know whether you will recall a contrivance called the 'bunny burner?'  The fumes emerging from the flue of this piece of equipment were altogether on the savoury side, I can tell you.  But none of this will now happen at the Extinct Mammal Conservation Society!  Monty did point out that, unfortunately, the money they were about to spend on saving the lesser-spotted Nutwit had been diverted in the direction of sanitary bin purchase - but one can't have things all ways, can one pet?
Yours
Aunt Agatha'


P.S.  I have hit on a so-far-unique way of publicizing my memoirs by the way dear!  Rather than relying on schemes such as Headbook or Natter (which, actually, I have so far failed to work out how to use) I have printed out 1000 or so laminated business cards.  And, incognito of course, I plan on attaching these to sundry railings and general seating outposts in Bright Litton. I thought green wool, tied with a bow, might be part of my card signature!  With all my decades of experience as an operative, I will certainly be able to spot any CCTV loitering in the vicinity!  What do you think pet?  Will this impart a certain 'je ne sais quoi'  to the situation.  Will I become known as an Agathy!

Wednesday 13 June 2012

Penning this somewhat on the hoof . . .

 Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet
CORSETTSHIRE QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph
I am penning this somewhat on the hoof dear (not a practice I customarily engage in, owing to the increased frequency of solecisms I am about to sprinkle herein).
This morning I leaped upon the local bus at 0700 hours - anxious, as usual, to leave the Perfect Retirement Housing Complex as far to the rear of me as humanly possible.  Unfortunately, catching the first bus out does tend to mean that one arrives, chilly, in Bright Litton some time before the actual shops, not to mention public conveniences, are actually open!  Perhaps I should be looking into acquiring one of those geriatric, leg bag, catheters pet - as even the city park appears to be still shut at 0745 . . .  Serendipitously, however, I happened to pass the windows of the Three Star Hotel, behind the windows of which a number of breakfast diners were warmly (as in actual heating) munching upon what looked like scrumptious fare.  And so I sauntered in, up to the actual waiting staff, and enquired about the possibility of supping upon a coffee - despite not being resident at said premises.  Well the young men were quite charming pet and two full cups materialized in a clean, metal, cafetiere.  I was even able to practise my Russian in an ambience of near-total peace and quiet, while eyeing up the delectable feasts being consumed by their wealthier patrons.  At the end of my sojourn at Three Star I did, of course, make a point of finding the two young gentlemen who had been so helpful upon my arrival.  I complimented them on their hospitality, the cleanliness of the general environs, the glowing artwork upon the walls, and the well-presented nature of the repasts I had observed in the process of consumption.  It was worth it dear - the young men positively beamed at me and I have been invited to a re-launch of the brasserie at the end of this month!
And then I set about locating Teen Outfits.  I don't know if I mentioned it at the time dear, but my sister, Constance, sent me a voucher for use at this outlet on my birthday.  I haven't been able - as I would have liked - to forget all about this voucher as said wallet-sized card is bright fluorescent pink in colour. And she will keep enquiring as to what I have actually bought!  I don't know dear.  As you know, with funds being so short in recent times, I have become accustomed to sleuthing round the Starving African Donkey style of shop for clothing befitting one who used to adorn the corridors at Vauxhall Cross.  And these are premises with actual windows and fronts which open on to the street itself - unlike, I must say, Teen Outfits.   Teen Outfits, God help us, is located at the apex of an up-escalator and positively scintillates with white lighting and a super-abundance of mirrors.  And on a myriad of hangers shimmer outfits suited to those sporting a very skinny physique and, doubtless, peach-like complexions.  As you know dear, for Yours Truly, those days are now long since gone.  I actually felt bewildered - not to mention paranoid - at the sight of so many ceiling-high curtains in the changing rooms and wondered if any personnel from Perfect could be shrouded in the metres of material I could see in all directions!  I am not, as you know dear, accustomed to experience the emotion of outright panic - being at my best in the more unusual of circumstances - but, by this stage, I needed to depart forthwith.  But, of course, I still had the voucher!  I don't know what Constance will say (and I hope she doesn't accuse me of rank ingratitude) but I'm afraid I bounded over to the 'Accessories' section and purchased a pair of brown dungarees and ten pairs of mustard yellow tights as the only items I could see which had a level of appeal to a lady of my particular mien. And even then - having paid - I couldn't see a sign which read: EXIT.
Yours (in a state of some distress)
Aunt Agatha

P.S I hope I haven't made any spelling mistakes dear.  I am feeling a little flurried as my time in this city internet cafe is now up!


Tuesday 12 June 2012

Secret Service: EPISODE 35

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet
CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph
Notwithstanding the onset of one or two (tooth-related I feel sure of it pet) shivering attacks in the night, I decided to keep my appointment to view dear Hilary's collection of Japanese maples on the other side of Corsettshire this morning.  I won't go into the actual intricacies of the journey; suffice it to say that a lengthy jaunt across sundry hump-backed bridges and water-filled ditches was involved (not to mention a diversion round Sumpington-on-the-Wick).  Dear Hilary was delighted to see me as you will imagine and we enjoyed one or two hours fond reminiscences  of our years secreting microfilm dots about our persons while on espionage duties in certain Cold War cities.  Life was so exciting then pet - never knowing when the KGB were about to turn up and remove us from service - either with a silencer or into some local stronghold or other.  The whole era had a level of piquancy and general bracing effect on the nervous system, not even equalled by residing at the Perfect Retirement Housing Complex! 
However, my old chum and colleague has done a perfectly splendid job of installing one or two colourful trees and shrubs in the environs of his property.  The scarlet-leaved Stag's Horn Sumach was displayed amongst the trees (try to keep awake now pet) as were the glossy red leaves of several radiant Raywood's Ash.  If you keep your eyes peeled down at Economy Fare dear, you may well see a more popular effect in the bright red berries of the Cotoneaster and  striking red stems of the Dogwood.  I must say that last time I visited your own establishment, I did notice one or two weeds littering the front yard and only the occasional bloom illuminating the hardcore out the back!  Do try to take a bit more pride pet!
Yours
Aunt Agatha

Monday 11 June 2012

Disposing of their remains . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet
CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph
I don't know dear.  I have just returned from a session of root canal treatment down at the Inner Hamlet NHS dental surgery, and am in reflective mood.  After my last two perfectly ghastly experiences on these premises, I lay myself down on the seat with the air of one lamb to the slaughter.  'I am petrified,' I announced to the dental practitioner with an air of pathos.  And he replied, 'So am I . . .'  While this remark was not terribly cheering under the circumstances pet, we did smile at one another - and there are times in life when one has to surrender oneself into the hands of another.  I have often thought, in my long career as an NHS patient, that some of the most intimate moments of one's life are spent with the hands of a dental practitioner inside one's mouth.  It's almost like both people are sharing the same potentially harrowing experience unto its conclusion - and achieve a kind of congress of the souls as a result.  I know it is most unlike me, pet, to be telling you all this, but even I occasionally have a more thoughtful moment.
It was stressful dear.  However, when the needles were inserted - one by one - into the tooth's root canals, the pain was not (this time!) severe enough for me to physically grip the dental practitioner by the throat.  I tried to focus on the lights above, and on the radio playing, and on this man's forearm resting on my chest, and on his ribs pressing against my side - and to take even the soldering iron and the general smoke wafting about the nostrils in my stride!
Meanwhile, dear Guthrie has been regaling me with details of his gay stalker!  I must admit that I hadn't realized that the poor man has endured nearly five years of this lurking about - and actual stalking - style of behaviour.  It did sound most hilarious (to one luckily not involved) to hear anecdotes about sightings of the same
car, containing the same set of cronies, zipping from right to left - and then left to right - across multiple junctions and motorway intersections on Guthrie's (long) route into work.  And who would want to get home to a general blaze of headlights in the car park and a view of individuals loitering under street lamps?!  'Are you absolutely SURE they are not dealing in crack cocaine or some other substance?' I enquired, for God only knows what thoughts are passing through the urban headset nowadays.  I have, of course, volunteered to dispose of these individuals for my chum (for less than the usual rate of course) and have a particular plot in mind for depositing the remains!  You know the spot I think pet?  It is that one in Carpool's voluminous cemetery characterized by quite some quantity of Yew trees gloomily dripping upon the general rabbit warren of paths.
Yours
Aunt Agatha

Saturday 9 June 2012

Telescopic surveillance of the neighbourhood . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet
CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph
I have unfortunately been trapped here at the Perfect Retirement Housing Complex for a whole week now, owing to the onset of Gout of the Big Toe.  My General Practitioner - who despite importunings down the telephone - declined to materialize in person (fear of being pounced on by Our Leader bearing an additional list of the afflicted no doubt) actually had the temerity to intimate that I might be imbibing excess quantities of London's finest!  And who wouldn't pet, immured behind concrete walls, and lacking the space to carry out even a minor project such as telescopic surveillance of the neighbourhood!
I did, however, call round to see Mr and Mrs Brownie where I lapped up further snippets from the arena.  One update related to the status of our new member of staff.  Said individual - a nice enough girl as far as I can see - apparently hoves from the local streets and has life-long experience of hoovering!  I duly enquired as to whether the new employee would be Checked Out (given that she will be using the pass key to all our rooms) and, yes, this is in the throes of occurring.  I also asked what form her Induction Training would be taking.  Apparently this will be taking place 'on the job.'  Pom-Pom and I are not too happy with this pet - given the level of responsibility in dealing with the needs of vulnerable people - and the fact that new members of staff can fall all too easily into an established culture and any associated flaws.  For example, it is only too easy for members of staff to join in with the lounge gossip and generally air their views on absent inmates.  More and more dear, I do think that establishments such as Perfect should be employing trained professional staff with a nationally accredited qualification.  Our well-being is in their hands!
I hope your meal out with Miranda went well?  If you did decide to take your toothbrush, I hope it was in good repair?  First impressions are so important and splayed bristles and general pieces of gristle caught in the fibres, will not be well received!  Also, dear, you will remember to keep yourself safe from the dread diseases, won't you?  I was reading an article about Genital Warts the other day, and I must say that this does not sound like one of the most aesthetic of afflictions!
Yours
Aunt Agatha

Friday 8 June 2012

Operations involving 'deep cover' . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet
CORSETTSHIRE QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph
I am pleased to hear that you are walking everywhere nowadays pet - given the enquiry penned in my last missive!
Many thanks for all your news.  I hope things develop with Miranda who, if she was attending a 'Defend the Rainforest' cheese and wine session, must surely have her heart in the right place.  Don't be deterred by the age and quantity of her offspring, as I can assure you that you will soon become accustomed to wiping eggy detritus from their bibs and to scraping effluent from their nappies!  I hope said nappies are recyclable in Miranda's household pet? 
Meanwhile, the long-term fracture across my toilet seat has also been a trifle aggravating, catching - as it does - the flesh of my shapely thing in it, whenever I am attempting to use the apparatus.  I must say that, when I was an operative, there was always a useful minion to call upon for any manual tasks!  (Not, of course, when I was engaged in operations involving 'deep cover.'  I was then required to fix matters myself.)  Pom-Pom is unfortunately otherwise engaged when I am attending to these issues; he always seems to be watching Coronation Street or to have his head buried in Horseracing Weekly.  (Sometimes a background of constant chortling can get on one's wick!)
Anyway pet, I hope you will soon be happily ensconced in your new parenting role.  Remember to keep any intimate activities very quiet, as the kiddies will doubtless be applying an inverted glass to an adjacent bedroom wall!
Yours
Aunt Agatha


Thursday 7 June 2012

Our Secret Intelligence Service . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet
CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph
I am not sure, dear, whether or not you are reading my epistles on the bus?  If you are, please can you make sure that no-one seated behind you is making use of a tie-fitted micro-surveillance camera?  Pom-Pom and I have noted, of late, one or two suspicious-looking sedans sloping around the car park here at Perfect: bullet silver in colour, fitted with darkened glass, and containing one or two dour-faced individuals clad in wrap-around sun shields.  Of course, I could immediately identify said vehicles as hailing from the pool of vehicles run by our Secret Intelligence Service (the regulation issue number plates commence with BJ482 and - so far this week -  this plate has cropped up no less than five times on five different automobiles)!  Has word of my memoirs leaked beyond these walls I wonder?
Pom-Pom and I had our noses resting on the window ledge of Pom-Pom's domain for quite some time in order to observe any goings-on and, sure enough, Our Leader did eventually approach one vehicle with an enquiry regarding the identity of its occupants.  Sticky Beak later regaled us - through the keyhole - with the tale that they were touting for business for the Alternative Wallpaper Company!  In fact, later on in the same day, we saw several of our more intrepid inmates queuing to ask for actual advice!  We, ourselves, have decided to blend into the Perfect paintwork for quite some spell - and have astounded the Management with our unwonted zeal for Bingo and an unprecedented desire to be Jumble Sale monitors . . .
Yours
Aunt Agatha

P.S.  Of course, in my day, we only had recourse to the Micro Dot style of surveillance device.  And what a pest it was trying to safely secrete said 'dot' into a boucle button on one's jacket!
 

Secret Service: EPISODE 30

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet
CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

Hello Pet
I am feeling a trifle downcast this morning and I don't think it has anything to do with the weather - which is generally wet in all directions.  I met up with William from Raptor-on-the-Lake at the hot chocolate shop in Bright Litton yesterday evening, prior to viewing the film we had jointly agreed upon.  He is a nice enough chap dear, but I do not feel the sort of Zing I would expect to feel under the circumstances.  Anyway, we trotted off to see this film - which was particularly dreadful I thought - and I did suggest to William afterwards that perhaps we should demand a refund!  However, there was one mitigating feature and that was the Ministry of Information (1949) black-and-white 'short' which was shown prior to the film itself.  Have you ever heard of these pet?  Well, they were showing 'THE HANDKERCHIEF DRILL' (not, as you might think, anything to do with 'brush past' manoeuvres) - and it was exceedingly funny.  The plot of this piece took the form of some poor woman trying to train her rather large spouse in the use of a cotton handkerchief whenever he sneezed - instead of blasting the common cold virus into the faces of all and sundry.  Apparently there is a whole series of such films and I am certainly keen to see the rest!  However, the main feature ended (at last) and off we went for our meal.  It was during this repast that I attempted to convey to William that perhaps boys and girls were too different in their attitudes and interests to be all that compatible from the standpoint of romance.  And William did rather confirm this view when he remarked that he was a 'typical guy and therefore a predator.'  I don't know dear.  I don't think I want to view myself as a prey animal for the course of an evening out on the town.  I do recall saying to William at this point that perhaps, in actual fact, I was a lesbian - but I don't believe I succeeded in being sufficiently off-putting!  However, he did drive me home and I felt that I should ask him in for a cup of tea prior to his returning to Little Gollington.  The 'cup of tea' was not, luckily, as you described pet!  I had my wits (not to mention my secret skills) about me, as you can imagine, and this was helped by the lack of comfortable facilities in the form of a sofa.  In short,  despite a distinct feeling in the atmosphere that a closer physical intimacy was a mere hair's breadth away, I did manage to usher him out after not-too-many minutes - with my clothing still well-buttoned and upon me.
Your loving
Auntie

Wednesday 6 June 2012

A famous operative like myself . . .

The Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet
CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

 My Dear Ralph
Upon my return this morning, Pom-Pom announced that he is about to commence upon his own memoirs.  'But sweetie,' I remonstrated, 'How will you sell it?'  It is not as if you were a famous operative like myself.'  However, it seemed wisest to desist from further repartee as Pom-Pom was hovering about the computer plug-in-point with his eye on the socket.  He also mentioned requiring the services of a typist, as he will be dictating his memoirs into a micro-cassette recorder.  I don't know pet.  I am not sure I can type two sets of memoirs; I am feeling a certain amount of strain doing one.  However, I did mention you pet!  I said that I knew for a fact that you were loitering about your settee with nothing much to do and might be eager to accept the commission.  You haven't taken up glue-sniffing or anything like that, have you dear?  You have gone very quiet again and I fear it is either that - or you are concerned that your own activities might feature in my memoirs?  You can tell me anything dear; you know that, don't you?
I have, this afternoon, consulted details of several wig retailers on the World Wide Web, but I am not at all sure I would suit the Pixie crew cut in honey blonde?  Give me your honest opinion dear and, if you can, send over some funds as said wigs are up to £400.  I am not sure if even  William from Raptor-on-the-Lake is worth such an outlay.  I will have to hope that my hair will have lengthened by a fraction of a centimeter by the time we meet up, or else tell him I had it all removed as part of a local sponsorship event!
Oh dear.  Pom-Pom has just spent the past several hours making detailed notes about his parentage on a large pad of paper.  I didn't know that there was such a place as the Salvation Army Birth Hostel in Bright Litton in the 1900's.  Did you dear?  Pom-Pom originally hails from your neck of the woods; in fact he has murmured one or two sentences about coming to stay with you for the forseeable future to do his researches.  He would bring his own stairlift and I think he commode could be neatly parked all day in your front room.  Is Saturday at 9am convenient?
Yours
Aunt Agatha  

Friday 1 June 2012

Scalp bristles scraping across the pillowcase . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet
CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph
I haven't had a very good night pet.  What with one's scalp bristles scraping across the pillow case and the frequent need to make sure that the Banger 0.9L hadn't been pinched from the car park, I got barely a wink of sleep.  Finally, at 3am, I decided to phone the Samaritans.  The lady who answered seemed very nice but, what I couldn't understand dear, was that she wanted me to do all the talking!  This is not very helpful when what one needs is anecdotes from somebody else's personal repertoire to take one's mind off the situation.  I think it was just after we had established that I wasn't about to suspend myself from the curtain rail with my dressing gown cord, that I decided that it was the lady's turn to talk.  Well pet, we sat there and sat there - breathing - for about 15 minutes before she finally said, 'Are you still there?'  I replied in the affirmative and then we returned to breathing.  It was really quite lucky dear that she decided upon a more human approach - which is to speak - otherwise we could both have been sat there until dawn's early light!  Actually, once we broke through the ice, we were soon chattering on subjects of mutual interest.  Did you know that the bedding Begonia has quite a high tolerance for heavy shade pet?
Meanwhile, I have had a further communique from William of Raptor-on-the-Lake.  He has suggested that we meet up in Bright Litton one evening to 'see a movie and have a meal.'  Oh dear.  I don't know whether I am becoming over-ruralized pet, but I would really prefer to spend the day wandering around a local tree nursery.  I was also rather stung by his reaction to my remark that I would be coming to Bright Litton on the bus.  'What?' he said, 'But we both have cars; surely we can find a spot.'  I felt somewhat dejected upon receipt of this remark because, although I didn't like to say so, I have never driven into Bright Litton and prefer to do my 'park and ride' from ten or so miles outside the city!  Now what pet?  There is also the further problem of my ongoing cash flow problem and I think I may well have to break into my piggy bank and stagger along laden with one or two tons of small change in my pockets.
Romance is never easy dear.  Take it from one who knows!
Yours
Aunt Agatha