Thursday, 21 June 2012

Counter-tailing with Dinky toys . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet

My Dear Ralph
I must say I feel somewhat in the Black Hole this morning pet, owing to a succession of somewhat unfortunate developments.  Firstly, I scratched the door of the Banger 0.9L against someone's stone wall yesterday afternoon, in an attempt to extricate myself from their steeply-sloped drive.  I hadn't intended to visit these individuals dear; I had mistaken their premises for the premises next door!  The actual purpose of my visit was to demonstrate the art of counter-tailing to a new Service trainee, and so it might not have been too advantageous turning up - a few moments after the wall incident - in  a somewhat scuffed conveyance myself!   Anyway, there I was, replete with Dinky toys and a grid map of Bright Litton - willing and able to embark upon an hour of tuition to the young man in question.  I don't know whether you are familiar with counter-tailing procedures yourself pet?  Generally, the target vehicle, X, is followed by three other vehicles: A, B and C.  And, as I said to the trainee, it is generally best if all these motors are of a comparatively nondescript description (minus roof racks) as one obviously does not wish to call attention to oneself, if it can be helped, during a period of spying on the driver in front!  A and B initially drive along behind X and C is pursuing - if possible - a parallel route.  I do feel, myself, that the theory behind all this works best in a city laid out in an actual grid plan, for Bright Litton (being comprised of any number of short cul-de-sacs and winding alleys) is not especially suited to having motor cars proceed, in parallel, for any length of time at a similar speed!  However.  This is as it may be.  One is issued with procedural documents and one must make the best of it.  Vehicles A and B take it in turns to drive off, left and right, behind the target, coming back just behind it, in an alternate manner.  Am I making myself clear dear?  All this is best explained, complete with actual toy cars, and preferably with the odd swig of Vodka and one or two doughnuts to hand!
And then, later on in the same day, I made the mistake of being pleasant to an extremely large gentleman on the bus and, in a fit of what was probably pity, gave him my phone number.   Since then, I have been in receipt of a number of telephone calls which have given me the impression that said individual may be suffering from bipolar disorder and general telephone mania.  Oh dear pet!  I think I may have to swaddle the telephone in a large bathroom towel and pull up the drawbridge somewhat!
Finally, on my way out of the building this morning, I encountered Dip Stick who informed me that the atmosphere amongst residents down in the lounge was distinctly 'vicious' and that her advice was to KEEP WELL CLEAR.  At least this problem has nothing to do with Yours Truly.  I did happen to observe from my window yesterday that this lady was in the process of installing a substantial quantity of new garden ware on to the patio.  With my nose pressed to the glass, I witnessed a large, white, plastic table; four plastic chairs; four large terracotta pots, and some sort of tiled ceramic bench being brought out through the patio doors, and I thought: 'This will upset them!'  And it has dear.  It certainly has!  In fact, I thought I heard Our Leader addressing the owner of said garden ware this morning, and requesting that the white plastic seating set, in particular, be removed from the premises at the earliest opportunity!
Once out of the building pet, I was confronted by the perennial problem of What to Do with Myself for the duration of the morning.  As the onset of drizzle ruled out the possibility of setting out the pansies over at Marilyn's, I presented myself for duty down at the Extinct Mammal Conservation Society.  Today I was given an enormous box of badges to attach to miniature leaflets although no tea was proffered - this may be understandable in light of one or two remarks I may have made about 'scum' last week.  However, I did have a very nice cool glass of water in a clear plastic cup and I must say that it was fascinating listening to the young people chatter on about their hobbies and pursuits of a generally riveting nature.  I myself have never collected photos of naked men with lamp shades covering their features, but I can see that one or two members of the society are very happily thus engaged at the weekend!
Aunt Agatha

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