Saturday, 23 June 2012

Secret Service: EPISODE 40

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet

My Dear Ralph
Pom-Pom and I have spent this morning watching the Outskirts Farm 'hencam' and it is most fascinating.  Indeed, the soundtrack of roosters crowing is playing in the background as I write!  If you are feeling stressed or in any way out of sorts pet, I can recommend a few hours viewing of chickens' feathers blowing about in the breeze and sundry scratchings in the dirt.  It is almost like looking through a window into one's very own outside yard.  We were slightly concerned - upon turning on the 'hencam' at 8am this morning and viewing no chickens - that perhaps the birds had been despatched to an abattoir.  However, they did begin their stately walk down the ramp an hour or so later.  We think it might have been too windy for them and that they preferred to huddle in the hen house.  No sightings of a fox so far, but we will be viewing again this afternoon and will report any sign of creepings through the tussocks!
Bertram, who resides along the hall, seems to be in a bit of a standoff with the Management at present.  His wife was despatched at the crematorium some weeks ago, and it transpires that Bertram has been suffering from loneliness of a fairly intimate nature.  Owing to a severe case of bilateral deafness, in association with crippling arthritis, he has been unable to personally communicate his need for supplementary services down the telephone to the Inner Hamlet service provider.  Rumour has it that he then requested the Management to make the necessary phone calls for him - and they declined - informing Bertram that the procurement of supplementary services was outside of their professional brief!  At this point, Bertram - rather foolishly as it turned out - asked his neighbour, Ethel, if she would get on the blower for him.  I don't myself feel that Ethel was a very wise, or discreet, type of person to make this request from, as she is given to trumpeting snippets of a thrilling nature, all about the building.  And this is now Pom-Pom and I got to hear of it, the news blowing as it were, up and down the corridors.  I don't know pet.  If Bertram is compos mentis and able to communicate what are, after all, very natural wishes to the Management, then who are they not to pass the message on?  One does have to be humane dear and I personally have no objection to Bertram being in receipt of weekly visits from a lady done up in stilettos, Sheer Touch stockings and an ultra mini skirt.  I think Pom-Pom and I will have to phone the salon for him, incognito, at the earliest opportunity!  Some people are certainly veritable old miseries aren't they pet?
Aunt Agatha

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