Extinct Mammal Conservation Society . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex

Inner Hamlet

CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph

I thought I'd rove off down to the Inner Hamlet lock gates this morning pet, and spend a restful few moments casting crusts of bread into the water for the ducks.  I was naturallly disconcerted when, within a few seconds of my arrival at said spot, I noticed an adult swan in obvious difficulties.  Why does no-one else ever turn up on the scene first in these cases dear?  Anyway, there was this bird flailing about in the canal, rolling over and over, whacking its wings on the water, twisting its neck about, and generally looking as if it had got trussed up in some sort of net.  Of course, not being one to yield to one's initial instincts and hasten off in the opposite direction, I obviously phoned Pom-Pom from the phone box stationed on the canal bank, and asked him to find out the number of Outer Hamlet bird reserve.  I also hurried off to Inner Hamlet's wildlife charity shop just down the road. This establishment was, of course, still shut at the rather late hour of 9.30am.  I rapped imperiously on the window dear, because I thought I spotted a rather large employee skulking in the shadows towards the rear, and then put on my best mimed pantomime performance of a person wishing to use a telephone.  Eventually, said individual did approach and open the door.  I immediately explained the problem and she said she would accompany me to the water's edge to study the afflicted bird.  Well we gazed - and we gazed - across the flotilla of swans (approximately 15 in number) and, do you know pet, no symptoms were displayed by any of them.  I felt like a bit of a parrot, I can tell you!  It was at this point that I became aware of a ringing sound emerging from the telephone box and the man from the Outer Hamlet bird reserve was at the end of the hand set.  What a relief!  I described the thrashing swan symptom set and he said, 'Oh, I know what that is.  Your swan has a case of the mute swan feather louse.'  Have you ever heard of this feather louse pet?

I then thought I'd call by and see my chums at the Extinct Mammal Conservation Society.  They were, as ever, delighted to see me (well I think they were pet) and I set to stuffing a few thousand envelopes and generally absorbing the heating and general bonhomie wafting about the premises.  There are one or two concerns, of course dear, about the quality of beverage on offer; I did demur slightly when Monty brought me a paper cup of tea with scum afloat on the top - but then I hail from an era when tea was made with teabags and poured from a pot!  Still, it's the thought that counts, don't you think?  I was also intrigued by Portia's speech extolling the virtues of the new infra-red sensor type of sanitary bin, which they currently have on order in substantial quantities.  Times certainly move on don't they dear?  I can remember a time when one routinely got all mucky pawing at plastic lids in darkened toilet closets.  And, before that, I don't know whether you will recall a contrivance called the 'bunny burner?'  The fumes emerging from the flue of this piece of equipment were altogether on the savoury side, I can tell you.  But none of this will now happen at the Extinct Mammal Conservation Society!  Monty did point out that, unfortunately, the money they were about to spend on saving the lesser-spotted Nutwit had been diverted in the direction of sanitary bin purchase - but one can't have things all ways, can one pet?

Yours

Aunt Agatha'


P.S.  I have hit on a so-far-unique way of publicizing my memoirs by the way dear!  Rather than relying on schemes such as Headbook or Natter (which, actually, I have so far failed to work out how to use) I have printed out 1000 or so laminated business cards.  And, incognito of course, I plan on attaching these to sundry railings and general seating outposts in Bright Litton. I thought green wool, tied with a bow, might be part of my card signature!  With all my decades of experience as an operative, I will certainly be able to spot any CCTV loitering in the vicinity!  What do you think pet?  Will this impart a certain 'je ne sais quoi'  to the situation.  Will I become known as an Agathy!