Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Penning this somewhat on the hoof . . .

 Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet

My Dear Ralph
I am penning this somewhat on the hoof dear (not a practice I customarily engage in, owing to the increased frequency of solecisms I am about to sprinkle herein).
This morning I leaped upon the local bus at 0700 hours - anxious, as usual, to leave the Perfect Retirement Housing Complex as far to the rear of me as humanly possible.  Unfortunately, catching the first bus out does tend to mean that one arrives, chilly, in Bright Litton some time before the actual shops, not to mention public conveniences, are actually open!  Perhaps I should be looking into acquiring one of those geriatric, leg bag, catheters pet - as even the city park appears to be still shut at 0745 . . .  Serendipitously, however, I happened to pass the windows of the Three Star Hotel, behind the windows of which a number of breakfast diners were warmly (as in actual heating) munching upon what looked like scrumptious fare.  And so I sauntered in, up to the actual waiting staff, and enquired about the possibility of supping upon a coffee - despite not being resident at said premises.  Well the young men were quite charming pet and two full cups materialized in a clean, metal, cafetiere.  I was even able to practise my Russian in an ambience of near-total peace and quiet, while eyeing up the delectable feasts being consumed by their wealthier patrons.  At the end of my sojourn at Three Star I did, of course, make a point of finding the two young gentlemen who had been so helpful upon my arrival.  I complimented them on their hospitality, the cleanliness of the general environs, the glowing artwork upon the walls, and the well-presented nature of the repasts I had observed in the process of consumption.  It was worth it dear - the young men positively beamed at me and I have been invited to a re-launch of the brasserie at the end of this month!
And then I set about locating Teen Outfits.  I don't know if I mentioned it at the time dear, but my sister, Constance, sent me a voucher for use at this outlet on my birthday.  I haven't been able - as I would have liked - to forget all about this voucher as said wallet-sized card is bright fluorescent pink in colour. And she will keep enquiring as to what I have actually bought!  I don't know dear.  As you know, with funds being so short in recent times, I have become accustomed to sleuthing round the Starving African Donkey style of shop for clothing befitting one who used to adorn the corridors at Vauxhall Cross.  And these are premises with actual windows and fronts which open on to the street itself - unlike, I must say, Teen Outfits.   Teen Outfits, God help us, is located at the apex of an up-escalator and positively scintillates with white lighting and a super-abundance of mirrors.  And on a myriad of hangers shimmer outfits suited to those sporting a very skinny physique and, doubtless, peach-like complexions.  As you know dear, for Yours Truly, those days are now long since gone.  I actually felt bewildered - not to mention paranoid - at the sight of so many ceiling-high curtains in the changing rooms and wondered if any personnel from Perfect could be shrouded in the metres of material I could see in all directions!  I am not, as you know dear, accustomed to experience the emotion of outright panic - being at my best in the more unusual of circumstances - but, by this stage, I needed to depart forthwith.  But, of course, I still had the voucher!  I don't know what Constance will say (and I hope she doesn't accuse me of rank ingratitude) but I'm afraid I bounded over to the 'Accessories' section and purchased a pair of brown dungarees and ten pairs of mustard yellow tights as the only items I could see which had a level of appeal to a lady of my particular mien. And even then - having paid - I couldn't see a sign which read: EXIT.
Yours (in a state of some distress)
Aunt Agatha

P.S I hope I haven't made any spelling mistakes dear.  I am feeling a little flurried as my time in this city internet cafe is now up!

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