10 Forsythia Grove
CORSETTSHIRE ZY6 4GT
My Dear Ralph
I don't know whether I am being unduly suspicious pet, but you recall your recent suggestion that I call round and see my old school chum Jocelyn? I believe we have all met up, once or twice, on the cross channel ferry? I can't quite recall whether we were travelling together, or separately, but perhaps it was the latter as I have a faint recollection of your hiring a white Transit van and perambulating around deck with a sack trolley. Whatever the case dear, I fear I may have been led in Jocelyn's direction with the proverbial ring through the nose.
Since my last visit to Jocelyn's town premises, in Carpool, he has made one or two changes to the back garden - viewed through a rather splendid set of double-glazed patio doors. The most notable feature, of which you may be aware, is his new 'fish pond' (3m x 3m x 1.8m). The 1.8m dimension refers to the breeze block wall which raises the water above ground level. Well dear. I certainly spent quite some minutes admiring the tumbling water feature, water lily, and tens of goldfish swimming round in the depths. Jocelyn even went into some rhapsodies about thermal insulation blocks, the sunken pump, and a recently-installed filtration unit. Furthermore, a most delightful rippling shadow effect was cast upon the water by the presence of a Paper Bark Maple and a Sweet Bay tree.
However, these most natural of effects were dissipated somewhat when Jocelyn enquired whether I'd like to observe an additional subterranean feature. He went inside for a moment, pressed a button, and - hey presto - the whole pond suddenly levitated some centimeters and, grinding somewhat, slid sideways across the grey Yorkshire stone paving slabs. My dear! I was hard pressed to keep both of my jaws vestigially attached to each other. Now I am not especially knowledgeable about such subjects but, it did seem to me - as I craned my neck into an electrically lit 'basement' - that ensconced within was a printing press of quite impressive girth. And it did seem to be operating at that very moment. It was ejecting what appeared to be rectangular, mauve, pieces of paper which reflected a sort of silvery light and had the features of that well-known personage, HM Queen Elizabeth II, on them! Honestly pet! I suddenly saw the purpose of the tumbling overhead water feature through a whole new set of lenses. 'So,' said Jocelyn, beaming beneficently at me, 'We wondered if you'd like to 'come in' with us?' We? I suppose that means you, favourite nephew? And before I had time to take breath and utter my thoughts on the subject, he launched into a description of my proposed role as national carrier in this venture. I am not a pack horse you know. Quite apart from my significant moral objections to this venture, I am no longer able to carry heavy loads around the country in my rucksack! Naturally, I puffed out my bosom to its fullest extent, and declared to Jocelyn that he'd have to look for a more disreputable lady than myself. After all, I am a lady of breeding - albeit one who likes to present their equipage from within a scoop neck Lycra top!
What would my 'cut' have been, by the way dear?