Monday, 3 December 2012

Blow it up after dark . . .

10 Forsythia Grove
Outer Hamlet

 My Dear Ralph
I am somewhat in the doldrums today pet.  Somehow, God knows how, I seem to have acquired a case of the mumps.  And, now that I reflect upon the matter, it was probably when I was riding around in the Banger 0.9L with Pamela's two nieces.  I don't know dear.  I feel rather long in the tooth for said affliction - but at least it is not Dengue fever or some similarly fatal condition.  My face has swollen to the size of a pumpkin and it is very difficult to separate one jaw from another.  I think I may have to resort to sucking today's repasts through a straw!
I have been trying to think of ways to cheer myself up and so have attired myself in that lovely lacy burgundy negligee you so admired recently.  I am also having one or two nips from an amber-coloured bottle containing 70cl of Southern Comfort (through the straw).  This is such a comforting beverage pet, with a most flavoursome aroma and a taste which tangs perfectly upon the tongue.  There is really something quite sensuous about the curvature of the neck of said container and, on any number of occasions, I have taken one to bed with me instead of my floppy rabbit, Horace.  It is rather looking as if I will be reaching the bottom of this bottle before noon, and so perhaps we may retire together to the bedchamber for a little nap.  
In the mean-time, I think perhaps I will clean my revolver - that rather weighty Smith and Wesson I think I mentioned to you in a previous epistle?  This, again, has the most appealing of convexities.  Maybe it would like to come to bed with me too?  Do you know anything about gun cleaning dear?  It really is most straightforward.  All one has to do is remove any bullets from the chambers and unscrew the centre.  This then swings out and one can sweep up and down the barrel using a bronze wire brush.  The denouement of said sequence of activities comes when one dampens a lint-free cloth with gun oil and polishes the metal until it glints.  I am not altogether sure I should be telling you all this however.  I know how alert you are to any possibility of acquiring additional equipment for your own brand of undercover activities.   And I don't think it would really do for you to be seen brandishing a Smith and Wesson at any government animal experimentation centre!   Confine yourself to simply letting the poor creatures out dear.
Well, time is motoring on and I do believe I have glimpsed my next subject for study from the sitting room window.  I don't know if I have ever mentioned it before, but I have a rather large Sycamore tree stump cluttering up the back garden.  It is really most annoying to keep catching my petrol-powered mower on its buttress roots!  I wonder if you could possibly research the topic of explosives for me on the internet?  What this item needs, as far as I can see, is one or two sticks of gelignite (also known in the trade as 'gelly').  It may be somewhat of a hindrance that I am residing in the Outer Hamlet Conservation Area - but we will have to be enterprising and blow it up after dark!
Aunt Agatha

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