Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Gunshot incident . . .

10 Forsythia Grove
Outer Hamlet

My Dear Ralph
I must confess to feeling somewhat pale and wan today dear; yesterday's gunshot incident is colouring the air!  Whilst I was perambulating across the local fields at some early hour, I unfortunately came upon a sick badger prostrated across the path.  Of course, I had left my mobile telephone at home and, in any event, have no present knowledge of suitable phone numbers to use in such a happenstance.  However, in the distance, I could see what I took to be a farmer motoring about a field on his tractor.  Off I trotted, waving my spotted hankie and hoping that he might glance my way.  No such luck pet.  I actually had to catch up with him before he saw me.  Explaining the situation, and the fact that the poor animal required to be stretchered off to the nearest wildlife hospital, this chap trundled off in the direction of his farm to take appropriate action.  Meanwhile, I was left to trek back to the badger and sit with it while its breathing rasped noisily into the countryside air.  After some 45 minutes or so had elapsed - the latter 20 of which was spent holding the poor animal's paw - the farmer re-appeared over the horizon with a small trailer attached to the tractor.  Imagine my consternation pet, when he got off his machine, broke out his shotgun, and proceeded to blast the animal to pieces in front of me.  Speechless with horror and shock, I watched him load the deceased creature into the trailer and motor off into the distance with barely a glance my way.  I don't know dear.  Quite apart from the generally affecting experience of observing death at close quarters, I was extensively splattered blood and brains from said animal.  I know I am a former operative and all that, but one generally fire's one's gun at the 'other side' and is not actually sat at their bedside holding a paw!  This morning, I set off on my walk practically bristling with wildlife rescue numbers and, in addition, a fully charged telephone.
I have since motored into Inner Hamlet to try to acquire some equipment associated with curtain rails and clothes washing.  I am sure I will get the hang of it in the end dear but, at the moment, I am somewhat flummoxed by the subject of rail gliders, hooks, and tape.  Why is there never anyone else around who knows about such matters?  I have, in addition, purchased an extra large bucket, since I can see that - after treading up and down on the laundry in the bath - I am going to have to transport it somehow to the spin drier!
I can only hope that I will be able to sell my memoirs in order to be able to afford a washing machine in the forseeable future!
Well I am just about to telephone TV licensing again, who seem to have me down as living at both no. 10 and no. 12 Forsythia Grove and paying direct debits at both addresses.  I think this may, originally, have been my fault pet, as I did get my house number wrong when making an on-line application for a television licence.  Since then, however, and despite one telephone call and two emails, I have been unable to succeed in getting them to delete no. 12 Forsythia Grove from their records.  There is no number 12 Forsythia Grove; I am at the end of the row!
Yours, somewhat despondently

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