Personal beautification . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex

Inner Hamlet

CORSETTSHIRE  QY4 2PN

My Dear Ralph

I was very tempted, the other day dear, by the prospect of personal beautification (on offer!) down at the local health spa.  As you know, my efforts on this front are usually confined to monthly trips to have my nails re-painted and to have my French pleat re-pleated.  But this week, I decided to push the boat out and engage in a 'Lip Blooming Upgrade.'  (It did, of course, assist matters that this was the shortest - and cheapest - treatment on offer, but naturally I did not offer this information up to the telephone receptionist when I phoned to make my booking.)  Laid back in the recliner chair, eyelids covered by the usual slices of cucumber, I let myself bathe in the delights of having my lips gently exfoliated with Jojoba microspheres enriched with apricot butter.  You reallly must try it pet!  One's lips emerge from this experience re-plumped and re-moisturized to the extent that lips are practically all one is able to think about for the rest of the day!

To change the subject slightly, I did manage to attend my college course yesterday and, for the morning at least, contrived to give the impression of a more-or-less-normal human being to the other students gathered around the table.  However, I must admit to finding the topics of MEWPS (Mobile Extensible Working Platforms) to be less than inspiring; in fact dear, I may have had forty winks in one or two places during the exposition given to us on this subject.  The subject of tree poisoning was, however, somewhat more captivating and you will barely be able to credit what one or two bounders over in the U S of A get up to in order to get a view of the sea from their condominiums!  Apparently, they slink out at night, drill holes in the buttress roots of the vista-blocking tree-line, and pour in some translocated (don't ask me to translate pet) herbicide.  And, of course, the trees are deceased in a matter of weeks!  Over here, similar malefactors apparently creep about (also after dark) urinating on their neighbours' trees through apertures in the fence and shooting copper nails into them with a bow and arrow!  One interesting snippet relates to the fact that you are legally entitled to snip through your neighbour's tree roots should they make an appearance in your own garden.  And it doesn't even seem to be a criminal offence if, by said action, the tree becomes unsafe to the point of blowing back on to your neighbour's house.  This sounds most exciting pet!  Perhaps we could experiment on that giant conifer on the other side of your own fence?

Another interesting conversation took place when Betty, another course student, came up to me and asked how my endeavours on the internet dating front were going.  I did finally admit to having uploaded a photo of the kind of person one might see employed in a very drab museum, and she exhorted me to try extolling the virtues of lipstick and nail polish in my 'profile.'  We also discussed the (somewhat dubious) merits of college employee X, whom we had recently encountered - at some length - in the library.  And she told me the most frightful story about how he'd been trying to chat a student up in the college minibus and had offered to lick all the chocolate off of her hankie!  Heavens dear.  Whatever next?

Yours

Aunt Agatha