Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Purity's mad goose . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet

Excuse me waiving my usual style of address pet, but I am feeling somewhat out of sorts.  And I think it may have something to do with the sudden plethora of suitors competing for my attentions!  I spent most of last week engaged in a most riveting - and prolific - correspondence with my new chum Eustace who hails, naturally, from a city located at the other end of the country.  By the end of last week, we had mutually decided that we had to meet and that this meeting was going to involve us both driving 200 miles to a centrally located rendezvous: the city of Middle Bit.  I was a little alarmed at this thought dear as I, myself, have not actually driven on a motorway for nearly a decade!  And there was also the slight issue of informing my other two suitors exactly what I was proposing to do.  Guthrie, when informed, maintained an imperturbable demeanour and kindly offered to take me on a few laps of the nearest motorway to show me how to do it. This was certainly good of him and it was most useful being re-acquainted with the latest truck speed limits and methods of overtaking anyone who had the temerity to be in the actual way.  'Concentrate' he said. 'Concentrate very hard.  All the way.'   However, I also had to inform my newest chum, one Maxwell from just around the corner, who had invited me round to help him assemble his new refracting telescope.  (Satellite tracking, as you know pet, is a subject with which I am well acquainted.)  Imagine my mortification then, when said Maxwell's disappointment - upon hearing that I would not be available on the agreed day - seemed solely due to his need for someone to tap in the baseline settings for his new device! 
I must say that I was in a state of some high anxiety as the Banger 0.9L and I motored down the ramp to Junction 5.  In fact, the Banger was probably in the throes of a nasty wake up call, never having been required to drive more than 20 miles at one time for the past three years.  It was, of course, raining and the juggernauts ahead - the ones with multiple sets of very wide tyres - seemed obscured in massive clouds of spray and were a daunting sight.  They were a particularly daunting sight when one vehicle tried to overtake another at a speed only slightly exceeding its comrade in the innermost lane.  I hung back pet; it seemed a petrifying prospect to attempt to motor past in the outside lane.  However, given the time it took to accomplish the manoeuvre ahead, I believe I was in error.  One skilled gentleman, in the Lotus ahead, did just motor through the spray - disappearing, at one point, inside it and I do feel that his method, of simply dealing immediately with the problem was the correct one. So next time this happened pet, the Banger and I just purred past in exactly the same way.  Wonderful.  And, to think, I have been avoiding excitement of this nature for quite some years now.  I have been dead on the verge of Life!
Within four hours or so of non-stop driving (well I didn't dare to actually pet) I had arrived at our rendezvous: the Sopwith Hotel and was parking the Banger 0.9L adjacent to a large shrubbery in the car park.  I did detect a slight aroma of burning rubber emanating from under the bonnet, but possibly this is natural for a journey of such length?  I decided, in any event, not to investigate!  Now Eustace had requested that I array myself in a particularly fetching pair of red lacy stocking and cherry-coloured high heel boots and this took some minutes to accomplish in the Banger's less-than-ample back seat.  And Eustace himself - given my propensity for colours of a vivid hue - had promised to arrive in sparkly leggings and iridescent head gear! I could scarcely wait I can tell you!  The hotel staff, meanwhile, were most accommodating and I was soon ensconced in a comfy seat awaiting coffee.  I think they may have wondered a little at my constant pacing of the hallway in the lacy red stockings, but there was a very weak telephone signal in this premises and I couldn't communicate with Eustace!  Eventually, I did relate all to several members of hotel staff and we were soon arranged up against the windows, noses pressed against the glass, in the wait for Eustace to motor up in the Spandex get up!
Eventually - for I was one or two hours early dear - the unsuspecting Eustace flashed past the glass.  And he was not a disappointment dear; in fact we were all agog as this sparkly apparition mounted the hotel steps.  The staff, however, were professional enough to feign disinterest and I don't think Eustace noticed as they busied themselves with floor polishing and hoovering activities!  Well.   Eustace and I woofled down some Earl Grey tea and croissants and engaged in some actual dialogue regarding what we were going to do next.  Eventually, we decided to motor off on a visit to the closely located 'Doughnut World' who promised to offer "unlimited doughnuts".  Just fancy that pet!  After one or two detours and enquiries regarding the way to these premises, we finally arrived. I don't know if you have ever been to this emporium dear?  It has at least 18 car parks and all the metal railings are painted luminescent fuschia pink!  It was very hard to find a parking place since the whole of Middle Bit seemed to have fetched up there for the day and Eustace and I found ourselves demurring somewhat.  Eustace was particularly demurring at the price of entry:£25.00 each!  I myself did not think this a material objection; after all, a lady is not expected to pay when she is on an outing with a gentleman.  However, examining the set of Eustace's jaw, it did seem prudent to suggest a (free) ride on the wiggly purple snake instead.  And this is what we did dear - each munching on an unlimited quantity of doughnuts as we sped through the spray coating the interior of this slide.
As for what eventually happened, well I think we were both somewhat dismayed by each other's accounts of deranged former lovers.  Indeed, we were both obviously hoping that this cast of crystal-wielding, cockroach-resembling, personnel had not followed us in our respectives travels up and down the motorway.  And one must look on the bright side dear: at least I must have blasted several years of Coke out of the Banger's rear end in my peregrinations from one end of our green land to the other.
Your loving Auntie

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