Friday, 6 July 2012

Secret Service: EPISODE 45

Perfect Retirement Housing Comlex
Inner Hamlet

My Dear Ralph
I hope you are in tolerably good spirits today pet?  I do sometimes wonder how you are faring and if you have fallen into some Black Hole or other.  These are frequently littering the landscape here at Perfect; indeed, I am frequently at the bottom of one myself.  Perhaps my tactic of hitting the bottle is as damaging, in its way, as yours of consuming large piles of Ativan.  Still.  I am looking forward to seeing you on Saturday, although I wonder if you realize that the 'alternative cafe' we are proposing to visit is shut at the hour you mention for our rendezvous?
I have spent the day staring up at the canopy of a multiplicity of trees on my college course.  Today was tree climbing practice and I must admit pet, that I hadn't actually realized that one has to prussik one's way up to the lowermost branch, whilst seated in the type of harness one generally sees upon a shire horse.  And, before one even reaches this stage, it is apparently necessary to lasso said tree using the 'handbag' type of knot while standing at the foot of it.  I have never had much of an aptitude for bowling cricket balls and it is the overarm style of throw which is used here.  If I have ever thought at all about how a tree surgeon mounts the tree, I suppose I assumed it was by means of a ladder.  Anyway dear, I was awful at prussiking up the treee, owing to a distinct lack of ability in the pelvic thrust department (well it is quite some years since I have had to use this particular set of muscles, as you know).  I still can't really see how one instigates a pelvic thrust while suspended in the air with one's feet just about brushing the trunk of the tree.  I did get on slightly better with my thigh muscles initially clamped around the tree, but didn't succeed in getting much more than a metre above the woodland floor.  Never mind pet.  I'm not sure that this activity is especially suited to one, such as myself, who is of an especially poetic disposition.  And, also, I have absolutely ravaged my summer tights on the bark!
Another slight worry is the panic attack I had on sighting Fiona approaching the cafeteria doors just as I had exited the toilets and was about to depart via the same set of doors.  After our recent imbroglio (described, I think, at rather boring length to you over the telephone one evening) I have not been anxious to bump into her.  Of course, my reflexes - developed by many years of secreting myself in 'dead letter boxes' - leaped into action today, and I immediately did entirely the wrong thing, which was to spin on my heels and re-enter the toilets!  I managed to restrain myself from climbing on to the actual toilet lid and, after several nerve-racking moments, I decided to flush the toilet and leave for the second time!  Thankfully, Fiona was no longer in sight.  I hope she didn't see me through the double glass doors pet, as my actions may have looked rather peculiar to anyone happening to glance my way at the time.
Well I am looking forward to seeing you dear - if we can find an open premises to meet up in and neither of us is too mentally diminished by our respective imbibitions of alcohol and sedative medication!
Aunt Agatha

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