Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
CORSETTSHIRE QY4 2PN
My Dear Ralph
Many thanks for your most interesting letter! Can't you look after the child dear? After all, if you can spend whole afternoons slumped in front of the television set, you may well benefit from a more socially responsible pastime. (What did you say happened about your job with the Government pet?) I hope you kept on taking your tablets as I suggested to you at the time.) And, as for Dipper, where do you find these women dear! Do, please, try to find someone more-or-less functional next time.
Meanwhile, I have spent the morning digging up a perennial clump (don't ask me what of) in my chum Marilyn's garden. I think it was concreted into place dear, and I must say that 'Gardeners Life' made the whole process look much easier, and more elegant, than it turned out to be in practice. I have laddered my stockings in several places and may also have spiked the turf with my heels! I must say that the TV programme should have specified what type of saw to use for cutting the in situ clump into pieces, because the hacksaw I took along with me was hardly adequate for the purpose! It took a very big saw, with very big teeth, one of which was luckily hanging up on a hook in Marilyn's garage, to slice it into pieces - and, even then, it practically took a winch to heave each piece out of the ground and into the wheelbarrow. Never again pet, never again!
Poor Pom-Pom was summoned to Our Leader's office yesterday morning to answer the charge of having contacted the Council Refuse Department without permission! When I came back from some outing away from the premises, the dear old thing was lying on the bed with a giant white hankie spread over his face, weeping. While he had thought he was constructively applying his intelligence to solve the once-a-week-only collection of refuse problem, Our Leader had construed his activities as positive interference and as a threat to his authority. He has been along here just now, ostensibly to check the lack of heat emanating from the radiators, but we think word of our authorial efforts may have leaked around the building!