Friday, 4 May 2012

Removing a stiffening corpse . . .

Perfect Retirement Housing Complex
Inner Hamlet

My Dear Ralph

Well Pom-Pom and I have been sitting here chewing the cud and generally studying the type of rainfall sluicing down outside.  We think that this type of heavy rain might have a high potential for eroding loose soil on slopes.  However, no slopes are visible from our armchairs, or only those sliding towards the valley of general despond.
Pom-Pom seems to have perked up slightly from yesterday's voyage down into the trough of despair.  There has been no more mention of the possibility of a suicide note being tacked to the outside of his front door in the early hours.  Should such a note appear, I have been adjured NOT TO ENTER and simply to fetch Our Leader.  We did briefly wonder how they would remove a stiffening corpse from a block of flats in daylight hours.  Any ideas pet?  Even should a Z-shaped ambulance chair be employed - and said corpse wedged into the lift - it would still have to emerge past a lounge full of gaping inmates eager to pass on the most unsavoury of details at every opportunity!  And anyway, as I pointed out to poor Pom-Pom, the first 'person' to read the note (before anyone else had a chance to get to it) would doubtless be Snake in the Grass - who is furtively sneaking along the passageways before anyone else is up!
Pom-Pom was also most dispiriting on the subject of his carnivorous relative - Xanthe - who would apparently take the greatest delight in excluding Yours Truly from the scene at the earliest possible moment, in addition to making insinuations of the most scurrilous kind about the motives underlying my relationship with Pom-Pom.  I must say that picturing this scene, fills me with feelings of the utmost dread and foreboding.  You will make arrangements for my earliest evacuation to the Outer Hebrides should any of this come to pass, won't you dear?
Aunt Agatha

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